They call me Dr. Love...

[moot]

Hi guys. I'm moot, resident doctor of love and lustfaggotry here on smogon's various IRC channels and I thought the "Are you in love?" thread is getting kinda bogged down with "OH GOD HELP ME OUT" requests.

So I made one for that! If you'd like me or anyone else to help you out in your various nymphatic woes, then please do post in this thread with your problem. I don't really care what sex, orientation, or age you are, I'll help you out to the best of my ability.

And please, no flaming. That's just totally defeating the purpose. We're here to make people feel confident! And good about themselves!

The doctor is in.

 

[les gets]

Since all that stuff is being moved here, I'll go ahead and post my "situation" again (I never really got any help anyway).

Copy + pasted:

There's a girl in my science class named Rachel, and she's smart + pretty, but she's shy as hell. I'm not too outgoing myself, and I don't talk to her much (I met her this year), but she seems really cool. I want to get to know her more since we have a bunch in common (we both play volleyball, we both get good grades...we're both a twin, lol), but she's so shy, it's nearly impossible to start a conversation.

I want to talk to her more without...intimidating her, or whatever. We both sometimes catch ourselves eyeing each other in class in an awkward manner, so we both know each other exists, lol

Any advice? :)

edit: lol DM, easier said than done.

 

[DM]

Have you tried... talking to her? It's just crazy enough to work.

 

[Objection]

Have you tried... talking to her? It's just crazy enough to work.

I think he wants to know how, and I can honestly say I wouldn't mind knowing that myself even if it doesn't pertain to any situation I'm in right now.

 

[Evisu]

So I'm beginning to think my girlfriend at some point in our relationship turned bipolar.

For the first four months she wanted to spend every second with me or one the phone with me. All she would talk about is how much she loved me blah, blah, you know the routine.

Fast forward another four months and she is a completely different girl. Out of nowhere she will decide to be pissed at me for no reason. During these times she gets overly dramatic about everything, and acts as if she doesn't care at all. For example we were just having what I thought was a nice phone conversation then out of nowhere she says "I'm going to go" when I ask why she says "Because I don't want to talk to you" then when I say I love you she just said "That's nice" at which point I hung up. 30 seconds later she calls and ask what my problem is? No, it's not her pmsing she already had her period this month. This happens almost daily now and every time an hour later or so she'll act as if nothing happened.

So what should I do about this, I really love her; I just miss the girl from the first four months.

 

[Lord Blood]

I do have a situation. I kinda like this girl in my Science class. I'm not the most popular guy but I'm pretty much in the middle of the whole popular - nerd spectrum. I'm a straight A student and she's like a B, C and D student. I've liked her since the beginning of the year. We're pretty good friends. Not like BFFs, but just friends. I wanna ask her to the dance that we're gonna have in like 2 months. Although, if she says no, I don't want it to ruin our friendship. I'm not really sure if I should ask her out or not. I mean we're friends and I'm not sure if I should take it furthur. But, I know that she will probably accept someone else before me since there are much cooler looking guys, etc. Help?

 

[akuchi]

So I'm beginning to think my girlfriend at some point in our relationship turned bipolar.

For the first four months she wanted to spend every second with me or one the phone with me. All she would talk about is how much she loved me blah, blah, you know the routine.

Fast forward another four months and she is a completely different girl. Out of nowhere she will decide to be pissed at me for no reason. During these times she gets overly dramatic about everything, and acts as if she doesn't care at all. For example we were just having what I thought was a nice phone conversation then out of nowhere she says "I'm going to go" when I ask why she says "Because I don't want to talk to you" then when I say I love you she just said "That's nice" at which point I hung up. 30 seconds later she calls and ask what my problem is? No, it's not her pmsing she already had her period this month. This happens almost daily now and every time an hour later or so she'll act as if nothing happened.

So what should I do about this, I really love her; I just miss the girl from the first four months.

You can't do anything. Talk to her, end it when you can't cope with it any more, brace for drama in the meantime; either she'll chill the fuck out or you'll lose her. I was that girl - eventually after much drama (a year in fact) and us both generally becoming more alienated and hating each other at times, I think we're sorting the fuck out. And for fucks sake, do not write off the way a woman feels as fucking PMS. If you don't think she's capable of making decisions at one point in the month you should probably dump her and wait til you grow up a bit before having another.

 

[Evisu]

You can't do anything. Talk to her, end it when you can't cope with it any more, brace for drama in the meantime; either she'll chill the fuck out or you'll lose her. I was that girl - eventually after much drama (a year in fact) and us both generally becoming more alienated and hating each other at times, I think we're sorting the fuck out. And for fucks sake, do not write off the way a woman feels as fucking PMS. If you don't think she's capable of making decisions at one point in the month you should probably dump her and wait til you grow up a bit before having another.

My "PMS" statement was to detract others from placing the blame on that.

Talking to her about it doesn't work, I've asked her multiple times to try to change for the betterment of our relationship; to which she either agrees to and doesn't or says that she can't. As much as I hate it I'm beginning to think that she is just not mature enough to be in a relationship with me or anyone else for that matter. I'll most likely stand by her to see if she changes at all for the better but until then I'm going to be dealing with much unneeded drama, provided that she doesn't leave me. Although she constantly says that she will never leave me etc.

So any advice on how to cope with this in the mean time would be very beneficial.

 

[Surgo]

I do have a situation. I kinda like this girl in my Science class. I'm not the most popular guy but I'm pretty much in the middle of the whole popular - nerd spectrum. I'm a straight A student and she's like a B, C and D student. I've liked her since the beginning of the year. We're pretty good friends. Not like BFFs, but just friends. I wanna ask her to the dance that we're gonna have in like 2 months. Although, if she says no, I don't want it to ruin our friendship. I'm not really sure if I should ask her out or not. I mean we're friends and I'm not sure if I should take it furthur. But, I know that she will probably accept someone else before me since there are much cooler looking guys, etc. Help?

Ask her. If she says no, it'll sting, but it probably won't kill your friendship. Seriously. It won't. What will kill a friendship is dating for two weeks, and then breaking up (but not permanently). So try not to do that.

There's a girl in my science class named Rachel, and she's smart + pretty, but she's shy as hell. I'm not too outgoing myself, and I don't talk to her much (I met her this year), but she seems really cool. I want to get to know her more since we have a bunch in common (we both play volleyball, we both get good grades...we're both a twin, lol), but she's so shy, it's nearly impossible to start a conversation.

I've had almost this exact problem, and it didn't end well for me, but I have good news for you -- you already have the solution in hand! You said you have a lot of common interests, and that means you have stuff to talk about already! Everyone, no matter how shy, has something they will love to talk about. Find out what that is. Use it. Then, if they are interested in you at all (or they at least don't find you creepy), they should open up a bit more to you. However, always keep in mind that they are the shy one! That means that you're going to have to be not-shy enough for the both of you, for a bit.

 

[moot]

Since all that stuff is being moved here, I'll go ahead and post my "situation" again (I never really got any help anyway).

Copy + pasted:

There's a girl in my science class named Rachel, and she's smart + pretty, but she's shy as hell. I'm not too outgoing myself, and I don't talk to her much (I met her this year), but she seems really cool. I want to get to know her more since we have a bunch in common (we both play volleyball, we both get good grades...we're both a twin, lol), but she's so shy, it's nearly impossible to start a conversation.

I want to talk to her more without...intimidating her, or whatever. We both sometimes catch ourselves eyeing each other in class in an awkward manner, so we both know each other exists, lol

Any advice? :)

edit: lol DM, easier said than done.

It may be easier said than done, but at this point in time when you actually recognize that she does indeed pay you some form of attention, you really need to just bite the bullet and just go talk to her. Say hi, ask how school's going, what she thinks of the subject, does she do anything outside of school, blah blah blah. Keep pushing it and eventually she'll open up. She just has to learn to get to know you, and more importantly, to trust you enough to talk to you. It'll blossom from there.

So I'm beginning to think my girlfriend at some point in our relationship turned bipolar.

For the first four months she wanted to spend every second with me or one the phone with me. All she would talk about is how much she loved me blah, blah, you know the routine.

Fast forward another four months and she is a completely different girl. Out of nowhere she will decide to be pissed at me for no reason. During these times she gets overly dramatic about everything, and acts as if she doesn't care at all. For example we were just having what I thought was a nice phone conversation then out of nowhere she says "I'm going to go" when I ask why she says "Because I don't want to talk to you" then when I say I love you she just said "That's nice" at which point I hung up. 30 seconds later she calls and ask what my problem is? No, it's not her pmsing she already had her period this month. This happens almost daily now and every time an hour later or so she'll act as if nothing happened.

So what should I do about this, I really love her; I just miss the girl from the first four months.

Akuchi is, unfortunately, entirely correct. If you've done everything possible to make her feel the tiniest bit more attracted to you then there's really nothing you can do other than just end it. You don't need that kind of drama in your life and it's just going to end up hurting more the longer you let that kind of thing go on.

I do have a situation. I kinda like this girl in my Science class. I'm not the most popular guy but I'm pretty much in the middle of the whole popular - nerd spectrum. I'm a straight A student and she's like a B, C and D student. I've liked her since the beginning of the year. We're pretty good friends. Not like BFFs, but just friends. I wanna ask her to the dance that we're gonna have in like 2 months. Although, if she says no, I don't want it to ruin our friendship. I'm not really sure if I should ask her out or not. I mean we're friends and I'm not sure if I should take it furthur. But, I know that she will probably accept someone else before me since there are much cooler looking guys, etc. Help?

If you guys are just friends, then what's the harm in asking her? There's nothing wrong with getting shot down. If you do get denied, then you can just laugh it off and bond with her in the future on that level. "Hey remember the time you asked me to the dance?" "Oh yeah! Haha!" On terms of whether or not you think you're ready to ask her, just take a while and think about it and ask her closer to the dance so you don't look like a total creeper.

I think my situation might be a little too specific for anybody to really help me with but man I have really fucked things up :/

(this is kinda long, sorry)

Basically (it's a lot more complicated than this), my best friend started going out with the girl who I was painfully in love. At that point, I had only known her for about two weeks, but, and it's kind of hard to explain, she was the only thing I ever thought about since the moment I met her. At first I thought it was stupid to like somebody so much that I had only just met, but in those weeks, her being in three of my classes, I became very close with her, and we spent a lot of time doing homework together and talking online. However, I didn't really feel like I'd known her long enough to act on my feelings, her being a little shy and not exactly dating often.

Except around that point, I noticed her and my best friend starting spending a lot of time together in private. I pretty much realized I was doomed because she had known my friend for a full year and he had just recently began showing a lot of interest in her and almost everybody was speculating he was going to ask her out, but I was really powerless to do anything about it soooo yeah that sucked and he did in fact ask her out that week.

But anyway I decided I would try to move on with my life and try my best to stop liking this girl... but that didn't exactly work. We became very very very good friends, talking on the phone and hanging out often, which I could tell made my best friend a little uncomfortable but I honestly didn't care. I still made an effort to keep my friendship with him going, even though it was clearly a little strained.

I existed like that for about 7 months until I thought about it again and realized I had really not gotten over anything, I was still ridiculously in love with this girl and that was the real reason I had become such good friends with her, those had always been my real intentions. At that point I got really depressed, and, most of all, I got really angry at my best friend. I know he hadn't really done anything wrong but I didn't care, I really just couldn't stand him. I still don't exactly know what it was that prompted this sudden change but I really just hated his guts, so I started avoiding him, which because we weren't in any classes together, was incredibly easy.

And that right there was the end of our friendship. Its been so long (2ish months I think) since we've actually spoken that it is beyond ridiculously awkward, especially because we both (I think) know what it is about. The other issue is that recently, I haven't been able to deal with talking and hanging out with this girl because it makes me too unhappy to think of how much she loves my best friend and how we're never going to be together, so I also started to talk less to her - we always talked on the phone for hours the night before physics tests but for that next test I kept my phone off all night. Anyway I guess she got the hint because now we are practically only acquaintances.

And I know I inflicted it upon myself, but all of that combined still continues to make me incredibly miserable, especially because even though I willingly cut off my friendship with this girl, she is STILL all I think about. Also, this has kind of messed up my circle of friends and pretty much most of my friends have been acting weird to me or talking to me less, mostly because of how I curbstomped my friendship with my best friend (who I still haven't talked to)

so I don't really know what anybody can tell me to help, but any advice at all I guess would be good. Mostly I just need to get over this girl I think (although I've been trying for like... a year :/) because at this point I have fucked up everything else beyond the point of no return.

Ah, unrequited love. What you have to realize is, even if she does dump your best friend (which is entirely possible; this sounds a bit like a high school relationship, I'm just taking a stab at your age here, no offense) there's probably a slim to none chance that you won't exactly be in her mind until god knows when after their relationship has ended. Plus, there's that whole thing where, since you were once his best friend, she won't be able to stop comparing you to him or get him out of her mind for a long time. There's that problem. In all honesty the only thing you can really do is just try a little harder to move on. It's gonna be hard, I know that personally, but as long as you try you'll definitely find someone new, and someone that will click a little better with you and your life.

 

[Unownasofyet]

I had been wanting to ask out a girl for over a year (who coincidentally was asked out by my friend around the time I met her, but she said no), and I finally did! Anyways, after I asked her out at my school dance her friends walked her away, as the entire school knew about it in less then 5 seconds. She was then sick for two weeks and then we had Easter Break, and she still doesn't have an answer for me. Should I wait for her to come to me, or should I call her for an answer? My friend said that she said no, but he just said it because she said no to him. What should I do Doc?

 

[moot]

I had been wanting to ask out a girl for over a year (who coincidentally was asked out by my friend around the time I met her, but she said no), and I finally did! Anyways, after I asked her out at my school dance her friends walked her away, as the entire school knew about it in less then 5 seconds. She was then sick for two weeks and then we had Easter Break, and she still doesn't have an answer for me. Should I wait for her to come to me, or should I call her for an answer? My friend said that she said no, but he just said it because she said no to him. What should I do Doc?

You should definitely get a stragiht answer from her but don't make it seem like you're pushing it. Call her up and talk about how she's feeling (I mean, two weeks out of school is pretty serious) and gradually just say something like "Hey, have you been giving any thought to the (insert name of dance) yet?" It's not too pushy and it shows that you care more about her well being than going to the dance with her. Points for you, too.

 

[unceunce]

My problem is that I haven't really ever loved/been infatuated with anyone. The last time I had some sort of attraction to someone was probably in 6th grade when I had a crush on the girl that sat next to me in math. I've been told numerous times that I could get girls very easily, but I have absolutely no desire to pursue it. I don't know if this is some sort of sign that I'm turning into a asexual humanoid or what. I know "give it some time" may sound like the right thing to say, but I think that not being attracted to anyone for 6 years is a bit much.

 

[tennisace]

My problem is that I haven't really ever loved/been infatuated with anyone. The last time I had some sort of attraction to someone was probably in 6th grade when I had a crush on the girl that sat next to me in math. I've been told numerous times that I could get girls very easily, but I have absolutely no desire to pursue it. I don't know if this is some sort of sign that I'm turning into a asexual humanoid or what. I know "give it some time" may sound like the right thing to say, but I think that not being attracted to anyone for 6 years is a bit much.

I see this as either one of two problems. You could either have your expectations too high, or you could just not be getting out enough. If it's the former, there isn't much I can say except look around a bit more and consider all your options. Look for key qualities and go from there. However don't make yourself like someone for the sake of liking someone. If it's the latter, just go and meet more people. Go to school dances/functions, go to town events if possible, go to parties. It doesn't matter where you go, just get yourself out there and be friendly.

 

[husk]

My problem is that I haven't really ever loved/been infatuated with anyone. The last time I had some sort of attraction to someone was probably in 6th grade when I had a crush on the girl that sat next to me in math. I've been told numerous times that I could get girls very easily, but I have absolutely no desire to pursue it. I don't know if this is some sort of sign that I'm turning into a asexual humanoid or what. I know "give it some time" may sound like the right thing to say, but I think that not being attracted to anyone for 6 years is a bit much.

Seems pretty normal (at least in respect to my life), don't force it. If you've got high standards don't drop them just because you can't find girls who can meet them. Even if you're alone it's better than ending up with someone who can't make you happy.

 

[Surgo]

Some people are just asexual. It's more common in women than it is in men, but it happens in men too. I wouldn't worry about it, it's probably actually a benefit: your hormones won't make you do stupid things.

 

[unceunce]

Seems pretty normal (at least in respect to my life), don't force it. If you've got high standards don't drop them just because you can't find girls who can meet them. Even if you're alone it's better than ending up with someone who can't make you happy.

I have to disagree; that is exactly what I am afraid of happening. My uncle ended up alone due to high standards and is miserable. I'd like to find a happy compromise but I just don't see it besides possibly suddenly meeting my dream girl.

 

[Llama]

I have to disagree; that is exactly what I am afraid of happening. My uncle ended up alone due to high standards and is miserable. I'd like to find a happy compromise but I just don't see it besides possibly suddenly meeting my dream girl.

There is one thing I will recommend its that you shouldn't go out with a girl who likes you, but your not so sure if you like her. Both the girls I went out with, I saw often, and when I found out they liked me, it kinda blinded me to the fact that I didn't like them. Needless to say both relationships ended within a month because I didn't really care about them. Since then my standards have gotten much higher, but the only reason i'm not with anyone now is because I don't get out enough.

So really what I think is the key is to have your standards but make sure they are not impossibly high and get out more often and meet people.

 

[husk]

I have to disagree; that is exactly what I am afraid of happening. My uncle ended up alone due to high standards and is miserable. I'd like to find a happy compromise but I just don't see it besides possibly suddenly meeting my dream girl.

In the situation that you forcibly lower your standards and meet a girl who likes you and then eventually engage in a relationship with her: What're you going to do when you realize she can't make you happy? Break up with her? Aren't you a little bit of a jackass to have this girl put her hopes in you and then to leave for no reason other than she wasn't good enough to begin with? Really, if you can't understand that then you're not quite ready for a girl anyway.

If you're going to take the risk that "if she likes me, I'll like her" as stupid as that is, you'd better make sure that does happen. If you just want some ass there are other places and ways to go for that...

There are two people in a relationship, I'm sorry you feel alone and afraid but there is no reason to drag other people into this. Do you really think you'll be happier and over this "fear" if you have a 1 month relationship?

 

[Pirika]

Nah, he'll never find his "Dream Girl" just waiting her knock on his door saying "Hi, let's date and be happy forever". Go to parties, meet people. You'll never know if you really like someone without having a relationship with her.

 

[Lexite]

My problem is that I haven't really ever loved/been infatuated with anyone. The last time I had some sort of attraction to someone was probably in 6th grade when I had a crush on the girl that sat next to me in math. I've been told numerous times that I could get girls very easily, but I have absolutely no desire to pursue it. I don't know if this is some sort of sign that I'm turning into a asexual humanoid or what. I know "give it some time" may sound like the right thing to say, but I think that not being attracted to anyone for 6 years is a bit much.

I dont see too much of a problem here, provided you dont end up like your uncle. There isnt all that much of a benefit to dating for the pure sake of dating. Dating shouldnt be about having someone just to have them. Honestly, I only ever went on 4-5 dates in my life time with one person and that was enough. Syberia and I never really ever dated, there was no reason to. When the right girl comes around, you will know, thats all there is to it.

 

[akuchi]

Sometimes there isn't a right girl (or boy). There's nothing wrong with asexuality, though I think it is as fluid as every other sexuality in the sense that there's no need to declare yourself asexual and write off that area of life all together (though natch I doubt you will).

 

[husk]

Nah, he'll never find his "Dream Girl" just waiting her knock on his door saying "Hi, let's date and be happy forever". Go to parties, meet people.

There's a difference between going out and living life versus actively looking for a girl and then taking what you can get.

You'll never know if you really like someone without having a relationship with her.

I can't really see why you need a relationship to know if you like someone. Maybe after you like them you can have a relationship and see how far it goes...

 

[Objection]

I would think that friendship comes before romance. Surely that's why it's called a girlfriend or boyfriend?

 

[Pirika]

I can't really see why you need a relationship to know if you like someone. Maybe after you like them you can have a relationship and see how far it goes...

I think people need to have some degree of intimacy to really like another person. I didn't say that people need to have relationships to like someone, but you'll never know if you really like that person without having a close bond with her.

He doesn't need to lower his stardands. But he'll never find someone who he likes without going out and meeting people.