i also feel the same about what should i do in the future and what could happen because of growing up. Despite being young i always had all sorts of negative thoughts which made every day a stressful one but im glad that not only i can be seen as someone who sort of helped despite how i am but also glad to meet all sorts of people who also helped me realize things and try to become a better person. Im still inmature, i keep making the same mistakes that bother people a lot and expressing things can be difficult from both putting it into words and remembering how much of a bad person i was compared to now (and even then i still think im not good even if people say it to me) but im really really thankful for everyone i have met and i hope we can all find a better future than what our mind keeps telling us.
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Lifestyle The Mental Wellness Thread
- Thread starter Rollout Shuckle
- Start date
Arase
Banned deucer.
My homie dont think too much about the future, you're just going to stress yourself and nothing else. Please just enjoy your present and just see where it goes bro. Ik its not the best period but depressing yourself wont help so just distract yourself for awhile and with time this phase will be over. Stay safe, much love
Don't worry Tyler, if Im being honest with u I dont even know what I wanna do as a job atm and Im in second year of university.
Think about that sort of stuff when it comes up, and dont be afraid to ask if u need anything.
Diophantine
Banned deucer.
Hey Tyler, I figured as someone who went to a UK Sixth Form and a British uni i can kind of relate at least on some level. Don't worry about losing your mates. The ones that mean a lot will stick around and you'll see them when you're all back from uni. Furthermore, you'll make great friends there! I met friends at uni and even work after uni that I would say I'm as close to as my friends from school or sixth form. University isn't an unknown that should be frightening, but rather exciting! I thought I'd feel out of place but within a week I was loving it!
You're probably 16-18 rn so knowing exactly what you want to do would be surprising. I always tell people (mostly my sisters) to try to get insights in as many things as you can, even things you might think you won't like, so you'll have a better idea later down the line. if you're already doing that and have too many options, just make sure you're good at stuff. You'll find your way in due time, just keep looking for and grabbing opportunities. A friend of mine studied aeronautical engineering, decided he wanted to be a teacher, then moved into finance. Nothing is binding. Careers change all the time.
Hope this helped! Good luck!
We’re shifting gears a little bit, everybody!
This thread since its inception has been for one very specific talking point, one that doesn’t really lend itself to discussion. The narrative around mental health and wellness has evolved a lot in the past handful of years, so this thread should reflect that through upward mobility and positivity.
Please feel open to share feelings concerning your mental wellness journeys, stories from therapy (both successes and works-in-progress), your relationships to self-love/love languages, coping mechanisms during high stress life changes such as gradations, new jobs, moving, etc. Refer to the updated rules in the OP if you’re not sure what to avoid posting.
Let’s look at the mfin bright side
This thread since its inception has been for one very specific talking point, one that doesn’t really lend itself to discussion. The narrative around mental health and wellness has evolved a lot in the past handful of years, so this thread should reflect that through upward mobility and positivity.
Please feel open to share feelings concerning your mental wellness journeys, stories from therapy (both successes and works-in-progress), your relationships to self-love/love languages, coping mechanisms during high stress life changes such as gradations, new jobs, moving, etc. Refer to the updated rules in the OP if you’re not sure what to avoid posting.
Let’s look at the mfin bright side
Big fan of this reframe for this thread.
One thing to remember is that it takes time for things to work...
If you have trouble sleeping often, it might take years of work on sleep habits to find the sleep routine that works for you. When you find the right sleep routine it may take months of practicing them before they actually give you results. Same thing with meditation/ breathing techniques, at first they may not 'work' the way you want them too, over time and with practice you will likely notice a greater effect. It usually takes a long period of time to work out the best techniques for coping with mental health challenges. Exercising a few times is not going to help address the root of your depression, but establishing a routine where you work out 3-5x week and sticking to it for 2 months may lessen your physical symptoms.
Mental health is really hard, so try to be compassionate to yourself.
One thing to remember is that it takes time for things to work...
If you have trouble sleeping often, it might take years of work on sleep habits to find the sleep routine that works for you. When you find the right sleep routine it may take months of practicing them before they actually give you results. Same thing with meditation/ breathing techniques, at first they may not 'work' the way you want them too, over time and with practice you will likely notice a greater effect. It usually takes a long period of time to work out the best techniques for coping with mental health challenges. Exercising a few times is not going to help address the root of your depression, but establishing a routine where you work out 3-5x week and sticking to it for 2 months may lessen your physical symptoms.
Mental health is really hard, so try to be compassionate to yourself.
hey, i also literally just turned 20 and am feeling relatively the same way. my birthday was the worst day of my life in a long time. in fact i wrote a post but deleted it with basically the first few sentences you put. im extremely closed off from my parents and refuse to talk to them as i dont necessarily like how they respond when i tell them details of my personal life. heres the thing, like you said us being 20, its still really young but you also feel like youre running out of time. young adulthood is basically what people tell you your teens is suppose to be, its the real time for self discovery as this is when youre truly just thrown out into the world and told to deal with it. realizing that theres more to life really is the first step in all of this. even though it might be hard as you seem pretty reclusive (im pretty introverted nowadays myself despite being a extrovert in the past) you got to just, do shit. it doesnt have to be anything crazy to start but breaking the routine and just doing something different is where it all starts. you talk about jealously of females/other lgbt and while im pretty confident im not lgbt at all so i cant understand fully let me tell you this. i recently lost a girl in my life who i got along really well with and had a lot in common with, why? it doesnt make sense right, we had a connection and everything was good. the shitshow that caused her not wanting to date me in the end had to do with this exact issue you opened with. i do not have my life together at the moment, im unemployed, im not doing much other than going to the gym, i currently cannot drive, and im having family problems. she lost feelings for me when i went in a bad slump and began to be clingy because i burden myself with a lot. people are naturally attracted to people who are put together and have direction, it doesnt have to be a life plan but just direction to keep things interesting cause predictable people are boring. when my home life got really bad earlier in feburary she was generally supportive when i came to her telling her i havent been feeling well recently, while i didnt tell her what was up exactly to not push my shit onto her, she still tried to help a bit. but when i didnt show signs of getting better and got more clingy she got annoyed and eventually began to move on. in hindsight i regret my decision to be completely closed off about this but i didnt feel i had much of a option, really feel i couldve done something different to retain our connection if i flat out told her what was up, what i needed and asked her what she needed of me but thats way in the past now and ive already fucked up. ive had horrible anxiety over missing her for a while now on top of everything else that was going on as due to my closed off nature i wasnt able to get over it. what im saying is you need to make choices for you so you can get to the point where you can date, let me tell first hand, part of the thing i found so attractive about this girl was how much she had her shit together. its honestly worth it to find your worth as a person first as if shit doesnt work out youre going to hurt somebody else or yourself even more. break your routine, find yourself and a direction in life you want to head in, people will come into your life that appreciate whatever youre doing. youre not going to meet people being in the house, despite how harsh that sounds im saying it because thats exactly what im going through right now. that whole theres somebody out there for you is technically bullshit yes, but you attract what you put out there. You do you and be proud doing then people with the same values will come around, whether youre looking for them or they come to you, youll know when youre ready. as for your parents its a tricky thing for me to say really. i personally dont tell my parents much as in the past theyve given me reasons not to. however, parents are people too and theyre going to get shit wrong, nobody has all the answers. just because how my parents responded to my situations pissed me off it doesnt mean they dont care, they just dont get it. when ive never had to come out to anybody as im very much straight so i dont really know how hard it is, it comes back to you making decisions for yourself. if you feel like this is a burden preventing you from evolving as a person then do it, regardless of their response its better to have it out there then hide it. i can live with hiding some stuff from parents but being trans seems like a pretty big part of your identity and i dont think you can move forward if you keep hiding it. like theyre your parents, they should care even if they dont get it. just some food for thought, im not going to urge you to do it as i dont really know what your home life is like nor do i understand the coming out process but it seems like figuring that part of your life out can help. tldr: finding and embracing your identity, building confidence in yourself and making moves towards the future = profit. nothing happens overnight and its going to be a process but you got to put yourself out there into new situations, new experiences even if its just small things at a time. nothing right now needs to be a life plan but breaking your routine will help make you more interesting other people and more importantly yourself. im not a therapist or anything so take a lot of this with a grain of salt if you want, i just really feel for the i just turned 20 and feel worthless type mentality at the moment. that also means im giant hypocrite because i have yet to apply any of this to myself and im just thinking about it at the moment lol. hopefully some of this helped you though and thank you for helping me vent a bit to somebody with a similar ish situation.
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natu
Formerly Antgeezy
Tw: suicide
I feel so cringe posting this and will likely delete but sometimes just venting is therapeutic. I don’t want to bother my best friend madoka aka queenlucy aka bubblegum bitch aka zeriloa’s first internet crush with any more of my venting so I decided to just let it all out here
-(Background before getting into this: I have GAD and major depressive disorder and have been on ssris since 2015. My dads side of the family all tend to have the same issues just on a way less of a scale)
I am awful at articulating my thoughts and it’s insanely frustrating. Just a heads up before getting into the incoherent vent post. I’m just gonna be listing a bunch of different things that have been bothering me
I am 27 soon to be 28 (I am absolutely petrified of turning 30) and I have 0 accomplishments in life. I still live with my parents. I have 0 motivation or drive to want to pursue anything like a better job, meeting new people, getting into a relationship, etc. I sit in my dark dimly lit room all day and play games + watch twitch streams
All of my friends are moving on and having kids and getting their own places and embracing adulthood with open arms. I seem to be the only one that is incapable of making this transition. I want to be a kid again. I want the simpler times. I hate responsibilities and expectations. I’m immature and dumb and don’t want to grow up.
I have a shitty, jealous, easily angered, petty personality that i was also blessed enough to obtain from my dads side of the family. I have never met someone with a personality as petty and insecure as mines. I also have an ego that I rlly shouldn’t have considering im an ugly short bald 27 year old that peaked in highschool. Idk if it’s undiagnosed narcissism or what but I know something is wrong. Because of this, I am most of the time, an awful friend. Before I became self-aware of my habits I would burn a lot of bridges, A LOT. I was getting into arguments with irl friends and internet friends weekly. S/o Splashyship and Corporal Levi for putting up with them all. Man I used to be such an egotistical bully to my little brother growing up too and I cringe every time I think about it. I thank Jesus Christ every day that I was able to gain self awareness and a want to change.
I have anxiety attacks and sink into deep holes of depression when faced with the realization I have to work a 9-5 40 hour work week CUCKjob for another 40 years. I used to watch twitch streams as an escape but now I can’t even do that anymore without having an anxiety attack that I’ll never get to live the easy, luxurious life that they do. (Wake up whenever they want, go to “work” whenever they want, do w/e they want for 6 hours and then log off and go do fuck all. They can take off whenever they want without the worry of being fired. All while making more in 1 year than I will ever make in 2 lifetimes of busting my ass. (I understand I’m describing like the top 1% of twitch streamers)
I have really awful self-esteem and have had for as long as I could remember. I used to hate getting pictures taken as a kid and would constantly try to hide my face. It became a running gag in my friend group that I would never take pictures. It was to a point where I was having anxiety attacks just seeing pictures of myself. There are times when I start to feel better about my appearance but then Ill see a picture of myself and immediately get reminded that I’m fuckin nosferatu. I genuinely think I’m hideous and if it wasn’t for the fact that I am addicted to working out I might just be the most undesirable man on the planet. I am without a doubt bottom 10th percentile in looks.
I’ve always had some social anxiety growing up but it was maintainable and didn’t rlly stop me from doing most things I wanted to do but there was an incident in 2012 that just made it skyrocket and it has been progressively getting worse since.
Winter 2020-2021 was probably the worst few months of my life and it was the closest I’ve ever been to actually committing suicide. It got to a point where I was making a tier list of ways to go out based on effectiveness and pain. Going out like Stan Chera was S tier (inside LC discord joke) I eventually pussied out bc 1 I’m a bitch and 2 I don’t want to put my dad through something like that. I’ve had suicidal thoughts before but they were never as serious as they were then. Winter time is generally just a rlly bad time for me. It’s always when I’m at my lowest mentally.
Quite frankly I think I am just doomed to suffer. I genuinely do not see a happy ending/future for me. I am a walking abomination of every negative character trait imaginable that doesn’t deserve to have good friends. I don’t even want to have kids because idk for certain if I just won’t 1 day get tired of it all and shoot my shot, if u will. I wouldn’t want to have kids growing up without their dad. I also don’t want to potentially pass down to them the shitty mental health genes that I have and have them go through everything I have mentally bc it sucks and I would want a better life for them. Honestly there’s so much more fucking shit that I could complain about regarding myself but this is already long enough.
Don’t feel obligated to respond to this. I’ve already started to feel a little better just from typing it. This is the 4th night in a row I’m up till 4am bc anxiety attack keeping me from falling asleep. Oh yeah and reminder that this is ALL WHILE STILL taking SSRI’s. I do not want to imagine what my mental state would be without them.
Tl;dr money, work, growing up, age, looks, self esteem, personality, social anxiety, it’s all freakin shit and makes me depressed and anxious
I feel so cringe posting this and will likely delete but sometimes just venting is therapeutic. I don’t want to bother my best friend madoka aka queenlucy aka bubblegum bitch aka zeriloa’s first internet crush with any more of my venting so I decided to just let it all out here
-(Background before getting into this: I have GAD and major depressive disorder and have been on ssris since 2015. My dads side of the family all tend to have the same issues just on a way less of a scale)
I am awful at articulating my thoughts and it’s insanely frustrating. Just a heads up before getting into the incoherent vent post. I’m just gonna be listing a bunch of different things that have been bothering me
I am 27 soon to be 28 (I am absolutely petrified of turning 30) and I have 0 accomplishments in life. I still live with my parents. I have 0 motivation or drive to want to pursue anything like a better job, meeting new people, getting into a relationship, etc. I sit in my dark dimly lit room all day and play games + watch twitch streams
All of my friends are moving on and having kids and getting their own places and embracing adulthood with open arms. I seem to be the only one that is incapable of making this transition. I want to be a kid again. I want the simpler times. I hate responsibilities and expectations. I’m immature and dumb and don’t want to grow up.
I have a shitty, jealous, easily angered, petty personality that i was also blessed enough to obtain from my dads side of the family. I have never met someone with a personality as petty and insecure as mines. I also have an ego that I rlly shouldn’t have considering im an ugly short bald 27 year old that peaked in highschool. Idk if it’s undiagnosed narcissism or what but I know something is wrong. Because of this, I am most of the time, an awful friend. Before I became self-aware of my habits I would burn a lot of bridges, A LOT. I was getting into arguments with irl friends and internet friends weekly. S/o Splashyship and Corporal Levi for putting up with them all. Man I used to be such an egotistical bully to my little brother growing up too and I cringe every time I think about it. I thank Jesus Christ every day that I was able to gain self awareness and a want to change.
I have anxiety attacks and sink into deep holes of depression when faced with the realization I have to work a 9-5 40 hour work week CUCKjob for another 40 years. I used to watch twitch streams as an escape but now I can’t even do that anymore without having an anxiety attack that I’ll never get to live the easy, luxurious life that they do. (Wake up whenever they want, go to “work” whenever they want, do w/e they want for 6 hours and then log off and go do fuck all. They can take off whenever they want without the worry of being fired. All while making more in 1 year than I will ever make in 2 lifetimes of busting my ass. (I understand I’m describing like the top 1% of twitch streamers)
I have really awful self-esteem and have had for as long as I could remember. I used to hate getting pictures taken as a kid and would constantly try to hide my face. It became a running gag in my friend group that I would never take pictures. It was to a point where I was having anxiety attacks just seeing pictures of myself. There are times when I start to feel better about my appearance but then Ill see a picture of myself and immediately get reminded that I’m fuckin nosferatu. I genuinely think I’m hideous and if it wasn’t for the fact that I am addicted to working out I might just be the most undesirable man on the planet. I am without a doubt bottom 10th percentile in looks.
I’ve always had some social anxiety growing up but it was maintainable and didn’t rlly stop me from doing most things I wanted to do but there was an incident in 2012 that just made it skyrocket and it has been progressively getting worse since.
Winter 2020-2021 was probably the worst few months of my life and it was the closest I’ve ever been to actually committing suicide. It got to a point where I was making a tier list of ways to go out based on effectiveness and pain. Going out like Stan Chera was S tier (inside LC discord joke) I eventually pussied out bc 1 I’m a bitch and 2 I don’t want to put my dad through something like that. I’ve had suicidal thoughts before but they were never as serious as they were then. Winter time is generally just a rlly bad time for me. It’s always when I’m at my lowest mentally.
Quite frankly I think I am just doomed to suffer. I genuinely do not see a happy ending/future for me. I am a walking abomination of every negative character trait imaginable that doesn’t deserve to have good friends. I don’t even want to have kids because idk for certain if I just won’t 1 day get tired of it all and shoot my shot, if u will. I wouldn’t want to have kids growing up without their dad. I also don’t want to potentially pass down to them the shitty mental health genes that I have and have them go through everything I have mentally bc it sucks and I would want a better life for them. Honestly there’s so much more fucking shit that I could complain about regarding myself but this is already long enough.
Don’t feel obligated to respond to this. I’ve already started to feel a little better just from typing it. This is the 4th night in a row I’m up till 4am bc anxiety attack keeping me from falling asleep. Oh yeah and reminder that this is ALL WHILE STILL taking SSRI’s. I do not want to imagine what my mental state would be without them.
Tl;dr money, work, growing up, age, looks, self esteem, personality, social anxiety, it’s all freakin shit and makes me depressed and anxious
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Went to the gym yesterday, as the mask mandate in my area was lifted last weekend. This was a big goal for me cause I had really slacked on exercise throughout the pandemic, just doing the minimum for stress relief and not anything more. So basically, after a year and a half of no real HIIT type exercise, I am today finding out I have sore muscles in places that I had forgot existed. I also did not injure myself the first time back to the gym, which isn't that impressive at my age, but it was something I was anxious to avoid.
hello everyone
its currently 3am and Im being kept awake by my neighbours very loudly having breakup sex, which isnt relevant but is pretty funny imo.
a lot has happened recently. As I've mentioned here before, my boyfriend is doing a semester abroad. Its actually been going okay. I miss him tons, and the no sex part is p hard but we've been keeping in touch lots, we've been communicating, and we've been doing e-sex, which isnt my favorite thing but its something. I trust him a lot, more than I've ever trusted a partner before, but even then those old insecurities come creeping back up on me. Sometimes I genuinely dont understand why hes putting so much effort into this relationship. I dont feel like anything special, I dont see what I give him that any other girl couldnt. Im so glad he is btw, this is not a criticism of him obviously, but Im just overwhelmed by sadness and loneliness a lot, and its worse these past few weeks because I had to change therapists and I havent been able to find a new one yet and hes just been so loving and caring and supportive even though hes an entire continent away and Im just overwhelmed by love for him. But Im also overwhelmed by guilt. I've stopped as far as music is concerned. I dont want to do bands anymore, I dont want to have to deal with lead singers or petty fights or having a show go wrong because the drummer drank too much. Just before I quit my last band, we played a show in brooklyn, and it was one of the best nights of my life, but also just opened my eyes to how much I love playing live in spite of my band members, and not because of them. That said, I wanted to put out a solo album. But thats going slow, and its halted altogether recently as my depression has gotten worse. Adding to this, Im unemployed at the moment, living off savings and some money I scrap together by doing odd jobs and stuff. I've got stuff lined up in the future, as Im going to beginning working as a coder for a crypto firm in a couple weeks, but I dont know. It just makes me feel so guilty that my boyfriend is so amazing, and hes going to come back to a girlfriend who has no motivation or career prospects. It makes me feel awful to do that to him. But I genuinely cant seem to change on my own, and with the whole therapist fiasco I dont know what to do. I want to get better, but I dont know how, and I just seem to keep on getting worse. I dont even have a friend irl to talk to about this anymore. I've drifted apart from all my friends, or theyve drifted apart from me. It is my fault, for letting depression do that to me, but it doesnt make it any easier to bear, and Im just. so lonely sometimes. And I keep counting down the days until my boyfriend comes back, but dreading what he's gonna think of me when he does come back.
Thank you all for listening, goodnight and i love u
its currently 3am and Im being kept awake by my neighbours very loudly having breakup sex, which isnt relevant but is pretty funny imo.
a lot has happened recently. As I've mentioned here before, my boyfriend is doing a semester abroad. Its actually been going okay. I miss him tons, and the no sex part is p hard but we've been keeping in touch lots, we've been communicating, and we've been doing e-sex, which isnt my favorite thing but its something. I trust him a lot, more than I've ever trusted a partner before, but even then those old insecurities come creeping back up on me. Sometimes I genuinely dont understand why hes putting so much effort into this relationship. I dont feel like anything special, I dont see what I give him that any other girl couldnt. Im so glad he is btw, this is not a criticism of him obviously, but Im just overwhelmed by sadness and loneliness a lot, and its worse these past few weeks because I had to change therapists and I havent been able to find a new one yet and hes just been so loving and caring and supportive even though hes an entire continent away and Im just overwhelmed by love for him. But Im also overwhelmed by guilt. I've stopped as far as music is concerned. I dont want to do bands anymore, I dont want to have to deal with lead singers or petty fights or having a show go wrong because the drummer drank too much. Just before I quit my last band, we played a show in brooklyn, and it was one of the best nights of my life, but also just opened my eyes to how much I love playing live in spite of my band members, and not because of them. That said, I wanted to put out a solo album. But thats going slow, and its halted altogether recently as my depression has gotten worse. Adding to this, Im unemployed at the moment, living off savings and some money I scrap together by doing odd jobs and stuff. I've got stuff lined up in the future, as Im going to beginning working as a coder for a crypto firm in a couple weeks, but I dont know. It just makes me feel so guilty that my boyfriend is so amazing, and hes going to come back to a girlfriend who has no motivation or career prospects. It makes me feel awful to do that to him. But I genuinely cant seem to change on my own, and with the whole therapist fiasco I dont know what to do. I want to get better, but I dont know how, and I just seem to keep on getting worse. I dont even have a friend irl to talk to about this anymore. I've drifted apart from all my friends, or theyve drifted apart from me. It is my fault, for letting depression do that to me, but it doesnt make it any easier to bear, and Im just. so lonely sometimes. And I keep counting down the days until my boyfriend comes back, but dreading what he's gonna think of me when he does come back.
Thank you all for listening, goodnight and i love u
I gotta say I have a roommate, an upstairs neighbor, and a next door neighbor that all have loud, rhythmic sex at sporadic times most days of the week, so I know what it’s like to not be able to focus or sleep lmao
Also glad you’re talking about this and I think it’s important. I’m not sure if this aligns perfectly with your relationship since my partner and I are open, but I’m in a long distance relationship of nearly 2 years and still have random waves of anxiety/paranoia about why they’re still with me, if I’m satisfying them enough emotionally, etc. Never-ending “what-ifs.” I usually talk myself away from that space by reminding myself how much I bring to a relationship—that goes for platonic relationships and familial btw—and if someone isn’t satisfied with me, they’ll me know. Or I can quite simply ask if my anxiety is that possessing.
You mention you don’t have a lot of motivation/career prospects, but let me blow your mind:
being an artist doesn’t fucking work like that
artists don’t always have prescribed schedules
artists don’t always know what your career outlook is on a long-term basis
your artistic inspiration comes in seasons and it’s probably better to embrace that rather than reject the reality of it
Obviously none of those ideas shake hands with capitalism and call it a day… I have to grind to make it in my city, so please don’t think I’m being tone deaf. All I’m trying to say is you deserve to be patient with yourself because you are an artist, and an artist that does want to drop a solo album, and an artist that will drop a solo album, but not if you think you’re a failure for not releasing it according to someone else’s expectations.
Just do that shit and if your boyfriend is worth anything, he’ll help you get there rather than anchor you to your insecurities.
Welcome back to the gym, I gotta ask if it was nerve-wracking throwing yourself back into what’s usually a confined space with a lot of people you don’t know exerting? I’ve steered clear for the last couple of years for the same reasons as you and can still barely bring myself to being okay with entering one now, let alone spending an extended period of time.
I went around 3 pm in the afternoon, so the off hours. The gym I go to is p crowded most of the time, but in the late afternoon the main area I work out in is empty so I didn't find myself getting anxious or nervous about being around people. I felt more 'awkwardness' about being unsure about the protocols around using equipment and cleaning up after myself than any close quarters anxiety I think.
I don't know if I am actually okay with going to the gym, I tend to be v evidence based when it comes to things like pandemics, and I don't think the CDC, WHO, and many local governments have been responsible in the past when deciding if mask mandates should expire. But while I've been avoiding the gym to minimize my risk of spreading the virus I haven't been doing a good job dealing with stress physically, and so I'm thinking like "How long can I do this? I've been doing it a year and a half, and it's probably more risky for me and the people in my life for me to not go to the gym." and trying not to think about whether the 'nadir' of the virus in my area is real or not. Just being honest.
I... don't know what, or why, but something's stressing me out. Since around last week, when I started a two-week vacation, I randomly feel my breathing getting heavier, my heart beating faster and a headache popping up, and just as it comes, it leaves.
I might be watching something as simple as a video to suddenly get the aforementioned feeling, and them disappearing without even going to do something else.
I might be watching something as simple as a video to suddenly get the aforementioned feeling, and them disappearing without even going to do something else.
I am not a doctor by any means and am not qualified to give medical advice, but in my experience this sounds like a panic attack or at the very least the start of one. There's could be something in the back of your mind you are anxious about and, if you're like me, potentially avoiding. Do you know of anything that could be causing that feeling?
Siggu said:
In addition to this possibility, if you started drinking caffeine or alcohol, or you ingest/smoke THC to any degree, your anxiety can randomly spike and you won’t even notice what’s happening. I had similar problems for a couple of weeks in January while I was neck-deep in a 6-week long production; I was drinking at least 1 and sometimes 2 coffees during the day and eating an edible at night to sleep, and I was having nightmares and at least 1 panic attack I can vividly remember… just before cutting off my caffeine intake LMAO
So just re-evaluate what’s going into your body, what things you might be repressing like fx mentioned… see where it takes you
Hello, until a few situations in class where I had breakdowns and one of my professors noticed, I wasn't sure where to get counseling from the university or how to handle it. Due to the uni being on spring break, I cannot get a hold of them right now. However, I'm not doing too bad in terms of grades, but I feel like I'm having a hard time being in class.
I have been forced into solitude on top of that, and even my family seems to despise me without remorse. I cannot move out until I graduate even though my parents are insisting I do if I defend myself from them badmouthing me. Should I stomach what they're saying or tell them to fuck off?
I have been forced into solitude on top of that, and even my family seems to despise me without remorse. I cannot move out until I graduate even though my parents are insisting I do if I defend myself from them badmouthing me. Should I stomach what they're saying or tell them to fuck off?
More like having black tea for breakfast and afternoon snacks every day for... how long, 20 years?
Might have something to do...
Keem
formerly Nezloe
Hello! I'm back to update my life after a series of events from yesterday,I'll keep it short because I don't want to make this a giant wall of text,so here goes: So yesterday my dad got mad at my sister for well not taking out the trash when she was working (she does virtual work) and he didn't tell me to do it because it was about 8:00 PM so it was pretty late and in the area we live at being a kid at night is basically a deathwish,he ended up hitting my sister for not taking out the trash and when my mom stepped in he hit her as well,that was her breaking point and since I don't want this to be a long post she kicked him out of the house in a nutshell and just about 2-3 hours me and my mom had a chat about my dad's behavior and how he was a hypocritical cheater and manipulator and just all around weird and abusive man (you will know why I called him weird if you have seen my last post before it got snapped) and my mom told me how he has hit her before and here cones the part where I wish I was never born. So before i was born my mom and dad were about to go their separate ways BUT I was born and like I said to keep this short i was very sad to hear that in a nutshell my mom could have been happy in her life if I was just never born I just feel guilty for my existence,but on the brightside I do feel happier he is gone he made me feel uncomfortable etc.
More: I know in my last post before it was snapped I made my sister look like the agonist of my life (and she still kinda is) but after she saw me be vulnerable and sad she was more lenient towards me and we have bonded since then. But after these events I just really wish I wasn't born my mother could have been so happy and wouldn't have to attempt to sustain all of the abuse just for me.
More: I know in my last post before it was snapped I made my sister look like the agonist of my life (and she still kinda is) but after she saw me be vulnerable and sad she was more lenient towards me and we have bonded since then. But after these events I just really wish I wasn't born my mother could have been so happy and wouldn't have to attempt to sustain all of the abuse just for me.
I'm sure your mother is more than happy to have you so don't feel that way. These family issues really suck, but I hope you'll feel better now Nez. Take care!
Ema Skye
Work!
Since my last post here (almost a year ago), I've started going to therapy regularly (beginning in November), and the experience has been life changing. I've had six or so sessions, including one today, and I feel through this experience, I am learning so much more about myself, while gaining the skills needed to recognize my triggers and understand neural pathways. If you are on the fence and can afford a therapist, I highly recommend it.
Therapy hasn't fixed my situation (TLDR: my professional life tanked after reason job loss, internalized it as my failure and ran away for half a year; personally, had a queer awakening while living with a highly religious family), and I didn't expect it to. I thought I'd be paying to cry on a guy's couch for an hour, but I feel almost like I'm taking a psychology course given everything I am learning about how the mind works. I leave their office every time feeling like I've put more pieces in a puzzle, like things are finally starting to make sense.
By the end of the first session, I had someone tell me that "things have been hard", which was the first time I have felt like anyone even tried to understand me. By the third, we had determined that I have C-PTSD, in addition to my other mental health history (anxiety, depression and probably ADHD, but that last one is for another time!), and yet despite this growing list, I don't feel a sense of shame about it, or a sense of lower self-worth, because this is who I am. Not to mention I am now completely sold on meditation as a mental health pillar, and will now be designating time in my day for it. If you want an app to try it out, I highly recommend Medito (and it's free!).
Today in session, I left feeling an immense sense of pride in myself, which I almost never experience. We did some exercises uncovering how I, despite my intense social anxiety, project collective errors or mistakes as solely my fault to absolve other people of guilt. Further, due to that social anxiety, I look for other options to make myself seem worthwhile to a group (such as being 'the funny one' or 'the smart one', because I was never 'the cool one') and change parts of myself or my personality to appear more desirable to other people, yet I thrive independently. Today I left feeling like a kickass human being because I am me and I am awesome, and I feel like I actually had some kind of inner awakening. Instead of hating this part about myself, I have an idea as to why it's a part of me and what I can do to tame it. One of my favorite books on anxiety, and mental health in general, is 'First, We Make the Beast Beautiful". The title draws from the Chinese proverb where a beast must be first appreciated before it can be tamed, and I feel like I am making my beast(s) beautiful by appreciating how much they contribute to who I am.
My only regret is that I didn't do this sooner, because you think of the stereotype of the therapist and it seems uncomfortable (amongst other words). But this stuff works, and I hope me sharping my experiences will hopefully help some of you make the decision, should you be able to afford it. I won't claim that it fixed me (because we are all works in progress, and never really become complete), but this is genuinely one of the best decisions I've made in my life.
Therapy hasn't fixed my situation (TLDR: my professional life tanked after reason job loss, internalized it as my failure and ran away for half a year; personally, had a queer awakening while living with a highly religious family), and I didn't expect it to. I thought I'd be paying to cry on a guy's couch for an hour, but I feel almost like I'm taking a psychology course given everything I am learning about how the mind works. I leave their office every time feeling like I've put more pieces in a puzzle, like things are finally starting to make sense.
By the end of the first session, I had someone tell me that "things have been hard", which was the first time I have felt like anyone even tried to understand me. By the third, we had determined that I have C-PTSD, in addition to my other mental health history (anxiety, depression and probably ADHD, but that last one is for another time!), and yet despite this growing list, I don't feel a sense of shame about it, or a sense of lower self-worth, because this is who I am. Not to mention I am now completely sold on meditation as a mental health pillar, and will now be designating time in my day for it. If you want an app to try it out, I highly recommend Medito (and it's free!).
Today in session, I left feeling an immense sense of pride in myself, which I almost never experience. We did some exercises uncovering how I, despite my intense social anxiety, project collective errors or mistakes as solely my fault to absolve other people of guilt. Further, due to that social anxiety, I look for other options to make myself seem worthwhile to a group (such as being 'the funny one' or 'the smart one', because I was never 'the cool one') and change parts of myself or my personality to appear more desirable to other people, yet I thrive independently. Today I left feeling like a kickass human being because I am me and I am awesome, and I feel like I actually had some kind of inner awakening. Instead of hating this part about myself, I have an idea as to why it's a part of me and what I can do to tame it. One of my favorite books on anxiety, and mental health in general, is 'First, We Make the Beast Beautiful". The title draws from the Chinese proverb where a beast must be first appreciated before it can be tamed, and I feel like I am making my beast(s) beautiful by appreciating how much they contribute to who I am.
My only regret is that I didn't do this sooner, because you think of the stereotype of the therapist and it seems uncomfortable (amongst other words). But this stuff works, and I hope me sharping my experiences will hopefully help some of you make the decision, should you be able to afford it. I won't claim that it fixed me (because we are all works in progress, and never really become complete), but this is genuinely one of the best decisions I've made in my life.
Last edited:
scorbunnys
Don't dream your life, but live your dream. #Bunny
I know I posted before but I went through so much shit after it and like I just need a place to get everything out of my chest (I may regret it later but it's something I need to do)
Honestly, all of this is a mess since it's not ordered or anything, but like w/e I just don't care anymore, but yeah please take care!
2021 was fucking shit, like the worst year of my life by far and this year ain't going well either.
First of all, I'd like to start w/ saying that anxiety's been such a nuisance (to say the least) for me like everything's in my head, and its just so nasty. One of my anxiety's reasons is school, like I always get high af grades, but this year school's been quite complicated for me since even tho I'm still getting quite high grades, but it's just so hard to focus on the class and I've had around 2-3 panic attacks this week due to exams and shit, like it's just so unreal.
One of my anxiety's reasons is school. I always get high af grades, but this year school's been quite complicated for me since even tho I'm still getting quite high grades. It's just so hard to focus on the class and I've had around 2-3 panic attacks this week due to exams and shit. It's just so unreal.
Then I've been also dealing with an addiction for years.
Honestly, I don't really remember how it started or anything, I was just a kid back that time (9-10, idr), it was just a way to escape from my familiar problems (my dad's verbally abusive and it's just such a controlling person, whereas my mom is like, the other way around, she's comprehensive and such a domineering person, but I just don't want to be a problem for her, she's got so many problems already...).
Fortunately, I was able to stay stable for some time when I was a kid (I was like 10/11 when I started to be stable to an extent), like I just got bored and didn't found it cool anymore (it's not btw), until something came up...
So one year ago, I got friendzoned, and like while it's probably not the worst thing in the world, I just started to get depressed, especially since my family situation was like a volcano (unstable af) and I was unable to deal with it, like lots of shit was going on and I fell into bad habits, and so I fell into the addiction again, this time I was 100% aware what I was doing was wrong, but I just was unable to stop for more than two days, it was just so bad and I honestly think this is such a hopeless situation.
I also have been recognizing myself as a pansexual person, I just found myself to be quite fluid overall and I don't care about gender at all to be fair, but outside my mom, my family's quite homophobic (my grandma keeps shit talking LGBTQ+ people and my dad just says stuff like "oh god look at the way he/she's dressed, she/he's so gay!", y'all know, stereotypes) and honestly, I just don't want to have a 3 hour convo just to have someone criticizing me (my dad/my grandma/both).
I've been receiving therapy lately, but I just don't know if my therapist will be receptive enough to support me and I'm not 100% sure whether she'll tell my parents (the therapist).
First of all, I'd like to start w/ saying that anxiety's been such a nuisance (to say the least) for me like everything's in my head, and its just so nasty. One of my anxiety's reasons is school, like I always get high af grades, but this year school's been quite complicated for me since even tho I'm still getting quite high grades, but it's just so hard to focus on the class and I've had around 2-3 panic attacks this week due to exams and shit, like it's just so unreal.
One of my anxiety's reasons is school. I always get high af grades, but this year school's been quite complicated for me since even tho I'm still getting quite high grades. It's just so hard to focus on the class and I've had around 2-3 panic attacks this week due to exams and shit. It's just so unreal.
Then I've been also dealing with an addiction for years.
Honestly, I don't really remember how it started or anything, I was just a kid back that time (9-10, idr), it was just a way to escape from my familiar problems (my dad's verbally abusive and it's just such a controlling person, whereas my mom is like, the other way around, she's comprehensive and such a domineering person, but I just don't want to be a problem for her, she's got so many problems already...).
Fortunately, I was able to stay stable for some time when I was a kid (I was like 10/11 when I started to be stable to an extent), like I just got bored and didn't found it cool anymore (it's not btw), until something came up...
So one year ago, I got friendzoned, and like while it's probably not the worst thing in the world, I just started to get depressed, especially since my family situation was like a volcano (unstable af) and I was unable to deal with it, like lots of shit was going on and I fell into bad habits, and so I fell into the addiction again, this time I was 100% aware what I was doing was wrong, but I just was unable to stop for more than two days, it was just so bad and I honestly think this is such a hopeless situation.
I also have been recognizing myself as a pansexual person, I just found myself to be quite fluid overall and I don't care about gender at all to be fair, but outside my mom, my family's quite homophobic (my grandma keeps shit talking LGBTQ+ people and my dad just says stuff like "oh god look at the way he/she's dressed, she/he's so gay!", y'all know, stereotypes) and honestly, I just don't want to have a 3 hour convo just to have someone criticizing me (my dad/my grandma/both).
I've been receiving therapy lately, but I just don't know if my therapist will be receptive enough to support me and I'm not 100% sure whether she'll tell my parents (the therapist).
Honestly, all of this is a mess since it's not ordered or anything, but like w/e I just don't care anymore, but yeah please take care!
You guys have no idea how many times I have been typing up a draft in this thread only to get cold feet; accepting that I have struggled with a couple of mental issues has been really hard for me personally. Accepting the impacts they have had on me and sharing them has been even harder.
We live in a world where everything is seen relatively-- just on Smogon we constantly engage in discussions about the best players and teams among ourselves, the best Pokemon and strategies in the games, and so much more. Obviously this is just the very tip of the iceberg. Our community is a microcosm of the whole world in this sense. We all compare ourselves to others with our experiences and outcomes throughout life just like we do on here. Nobody is immune to it, especially not someone like myself.
And at times this can be an amazing motivator. You do something and see that someone else did better, so you set a loftier goal for yourself. At other times this can be a form of reassurance. You do something and see that you are among the best, so you feel confident.
There are also a lot of times where it goes the other way. For me, I see so many of my peers on here and in life encountering situations I cannot even begin to relate to -- having people deny their identities, not being allowed a fair opportunity at things that should be fundamental to existence, and plenty of the other awful things going on in the world right now. So as someone who has a much more fortunate set of circumstances and is quite privileged, I saw spaces like this and even the mere thought that my struggles warranted a more thorough personal investigation to be something I did not really deserve.
And reading this now is so twisted because obviously everyone needs to take care of themselves, seek help when it is needed, and do what makes them happy. But for whatever reason, I held myself back for the longest time -- I mean through 2018 I definitely just thought I got "sad" sometimes and did not make much more of it when I really should have been more questioning because I was not in-touch emotionally -- and it all came to a pretty explosive boiling point throughout late 2019-2020.
I struggle with a couple of mental issues, but most of them stem from the colder season each year impacting my outlook on life and subsequently some of my actions/attitude -- there's a lot to unpack, including some things even I have not fully figured out yet, but I think we're all works in progress. I am not going to give super specific details about my experiences because I have stopped doing that on here, but I will make the points I want to make as I see fit.
The last couple of years have been particularly tough due to health starting to fail my family (and family is everything to me, so seeing this happen and the fleeting sense of "family is forever" is a pretty substantial burden), the inability to access the world fully during what should be the peak years of my life (covid has been awful to pretty much everyone I'm sure), and adjusting from the college lifestyle to working full-time (think we're all unique here, but obviously it's a major shift in lifestyle). I could have made things easier on myself by accepting the fact that I had problems earlier in my young adult life and seeking help before when I did, but I strung it along and denied it for the bulk of college and by the time I actually got professional help the pandemic was on our doorstep. Thankfully I have a supportive family and a good core of IRL (and a few on here) friends who are there for me and honestly this has allowed for me to figure out how I react to things, what I can do to control my own narrative, and really just maximize my happiness when possible and coping when not.
As of late, things have been particularly rough tbh. There have been a slew of health issues to those close to me IRL that, for a month or two, kept me down. I really just could not progress in life as much as I wanted to until I felt like I was able to focus fully on myself, which I really could not until I knew things were going to be ok (or, in an instance, not ok, but outside of my control). Things like this had me very paranoid every time I got a call from my parents/household/grandparents that something went very wrong. Living like that really is not a very healthy thing to do and the stress builds a ton. It also made my sleeping issues pop back-up again intermittently -- I have had stress-induced insomnia for the bulk of three years now, averaging anywhere from 3h-5h of sleep a night when it was really hitting me. Ever since I have been more active with work, it got a bit less bad, but there are still stretches, like earlier this year, where it really can mess me up mentally and physically.
My main ways of avoiding the stress come through being productive because I love involving myself and I am a workhorse pretty much everywhere I go. IRL work has been a godsend for me at times because I am advancing my career/making money while also putting myself to the task, but sometimes the environment has been negative or I have received only critical feedback rather than positive feedback when I have been among the best in my position (which is just a testament to a subpar working climate at times) and that really brought me down as well when it was kind of my escape from all of the worry I carried around me elsewhere.
Overall, that's been a net positive just because I end up making it pretty hard to come to a negative conclusion with how much work I put in and the outcomes that come from it, but a lot of the time I wish it was not so tedious in the same vein. I don't know really -- there's a lot to it and that can be said for a lot of things that are worthwhile in life I feel, but without my work I would be going absolutely nuts a lot of the time, so I'm glad it is consistently there for me when I need a distraction at least.
And then there's Smogon, which is my true getaway from IRL's good and bad. Smogon has been my rock for years. I have loved it on here so much and I have made a ton of amazing friends that I want to keep for a long time, but it's also very true that Smogon has taken a major toll on me at times (mentally). I work my ass off regularly for virtually no physical benefit -- it has derailed countless weekends, important IRL experiences, and even made me lose focus during IRL work when pressing matters come up, but I know that I am contributing to something larger than myself, I know that I enjoy a lot (like seriously so much) of the work, and I know that I get satisfaction from making that difference. It's really tough because a lot of what I enjoy the most has been tethered to some of the more tedious, lose-lose aspects of things, too.
At the end of the day, my work on Smogon is truly one of the things I am most proud of because I can help better a large community with thousands of people from across the world that are brought together by one common characteristic -- being able to improve the experience of thousands of hobbyists is actually super rewarding when you get the job done. Being able to bring my contributions above-and-beyond with things like hosting the charity bowl, overseeing money tournaments, and so many other forms of community leadership I engage in will always be worthwhile to me. You can like me or not, but I have been and largely still am that guy around here in some spaces (obviously there's a whole network of amazing people that fit that description and this is not to take away from them, but I am not one to hide from the degree that I am involved) and that is not changing because I running OU so much and my recent involvements with tournaments have stirred up a ton of passion in me -- these are things I deem to be good investments of my time.
But all of this comes with far too much turmoil, borderline harassment, and negativity that has spiked recently and that is actually problematic for me (and many, many others in this community). It's been really upsetting seeing people seriously invested in the community (trolls will be trolls -- they're easy to spot and ignore) resort to blatant concern trolling that oftentimes fizzles into outright rudeness/insults, expecting top-notch professionalism from volunteers when there has never been professionalism in the arena previously, and just being outright negligent of dozens of hours worth of thankless contributions for the sake of making an offensive joke or driving home a largely uninformed narrative that (especially when the hivemind backs it without any deeper grasp on situations). Like not a single person who has been this way would ever dare act even close to this way IRL, but suddenly keyboard warriorship enables a secret extra gear of assholery that comes alongside no remorse? This concept alone bothers me, but it in practice has absolutely taken a toll on me both firsthand and secondhand.
This isn't just being said about/for me either as I have seen so many leaders, hosts, etc. be the subject of outright harassment in plain sight and so many people are just ok with this being the reality? Like holy shit this is disgusting and honestly I have been complacent to this myself for years until I realized the severity of the problem a while after I got OUTL -- the fact that it took me being in the driver's seat to realize this is actually something that bothers me about myself in all honesty, so I am sorry for that to my predecessors. And then there are the people who come at me to quit at every possible mention because I am enabling the current state of the community through this or not protesting for contributors to be compensated or not fighting for their specific reform in the community -- like why should I sacrifice what I enjoy for the sake of taking your stand? Some people just have things so backwards and their issues should not be what holds me back, but my state has absolutely made that the case and I am beyond sick of it. Overall, it's a shame that this place has had a negative impact on my own mental state at times (even though yes, it is without doubt still a net positive and I love what I do when it is not dealing with this nonsense) and I can only imagine the impact it has had on countless others, too.
Recently I have begun ignoring/not responding to a lot of things I previously did to cut out this nonsense and focus on what I really do enjoy -- it has been working absolute wonders. While I am still present, I view transparency from me as a privilege rather than a right and I view accessibility as something I can give out given my own feelings rather than supply on demand. Just basic stuff like going offline on discord and being a bit more distant/noncommittal in certain interactions has also gone a long way. Obviously I have a lot to offer and I want to offer it because I am having fun far more often than not, but when the "not" is happening and it is eroding away at my wellbeing, that's a problem and I need to remedy it, so this is my honest (and so far, successful) attempt at doing so.
At times I've definitely felt trapped between shortcomings in my experience with IRL work and on here while I was trying to escape from constant fear with other things in my IRL situation -- January was a really rough month for me in particular. But since then some of my family members have gotten better or situations have stabilized, even if they have not done so where I wanted them to. I am still not really at 100%, but I have a lot to look forward to IRL and even on here that's definitely helped.
I just worry about getting swept up in the same whirlwind of negativity again and struggling to find my way out -- shit always has potential to go bleak, but I am cautiously optimistic for the time, especially as the world opens up a bit and it approaches warmer season, which tends to lend me a bit more perspective. I am really going to try to hammer down some boundaries and focusing a lot more on myself/what brings me happiness rather overall, but this is a long process that I have been behind the curve on historically, so hopefully with more time/effort that can change. Moving forward I am positive and hopeful, but I still have tempered expectations -- we shall see.
We live in a world where everything is seen relatively-- just on Smogon we constantly engage in discussions about the best players and teams among ourselves, the best Pokemon and strategies in the games, and so much more. Obviously this is just the very tip of the iceberg. Our community is a microcosm of the whole world in this sense. We all compare ourselves to others with our experiences and outcomes throughout life just like we do on here. Nobody is immune to it, especially not someone like myself.
And at times this can be an amazing motivator. You do something and see that someone else did better, so you set a loftier goal for yourself. At other times this can be a form of reassurance. You do something and see that you are among the best, so you feel confident.
There are also a lot of times where it goes the other way. For me, I see so many of my peers on here and in life encountering situations I cannot even begin to relate to -- having people deny their identities, not being allowed a fair opportunity at things that should be fundamental to existence, and plenty of the other awful things going on in the world right now. So as someone who has a much more fortunate set of circumstances and is quite privileged, I saw spaces like this and even the mere thought that my struggles warranted a more thorough personal investigation to be something I did not really deserve.
And reading this now is so twisted because obviously everyone needs to take care of themselves, seek help when it is needed, and do what makes them happy. But for whatever reason, I held myself back for the longest time -- I mean through 2018 I definitely just thought I got "sad" sometimes and did not make much more of it when I really should have been more questioning because I was not in-touch emotionally -- and it all came to a pretty explosive boiling point throughout late 2019-2020.
I struggle with a couple of mental issues, but most of them stem from the colder season each year impacting my outlook on life and subsequently some of my actions/attitude -- there's a lot to unpack, including some things even I have not fully figured out yet, but I think we're all works in progress. I am not going to give super specific details about my experiences because I have stopped doing that on here, but I will make the points I want to make as I see fit.
The last couple of years have been particularly tough due to health starting to fail my family (and family is everything to me, so seeing this happen and the fleeting sense of "family is forever" is a pretty substantial burden), the inability to access the world fully during what should be the peak years of my life (covid has been awful to pretty much everyone I'm sure), and adjusting from the college lifestyle to working full-time (think we're all unique here, but obviously it's a major shift in lifestyle). I could have made things easier on myself by accepting the fact that I had problems earlier in my young adult life and seeking help before when I did, but I strung it along and denied it for the bulk of college and by the time I actually got professional help the pandemic was on our doorstep. Thankfully I have a supportive family and a good core of IRL (and a few on here) friends who are there for me and honestly this has allowed for me to figure out how I react to things, what I can do to control my own narrative, and really just maximize my happiness when possible and coping when not.
As of late, things have been particularly rough tbh. There have been a slew of health issues to those close to me IRL that, for a month or two, kept me down. I really just could not progress in life as much as I wanted to until I felt like I was able to focus fully on myself, which I really could not until I knew things were going to be ok (or, in an instance, not ok, but outside of my control). Things like this had me very paranoid every time I got a call from my parents/household/grandparents that something went very wrong. Living like that really is not a very healthy thing to do and the stress builds a ton. It also made my sleeping issues pop back-up again intermittently -- I have had stress-induced insomnia for the bulk of three years now, averaging anywhere from 3h-5h of sleep a night when it was really hitting me. Ever since I have been more active with work, it got a bit less bad, but there are still stretches, like earlier this year, where it really can mess me up mentally and physically.
My main ways of avoiding the stress come through being productive because I love involving myself and I am a workhorse pretty much everywhere I go. IRL work has been a godsend for me at times because I am advancing my career/making money while also putting myself to the task, but sometimes the environment has been negative or I have received only critical feedback rather than positive feedback when I have been among the best in my position (which is just a testament to a subpar working climate at times) and that really brought me down as well when it was kind of my escape from all of the worry I carried around me elsewhere.
Overall, that's been a net positive just because I end up making it pretty hard to come to a negative conclusion with how much work I put in and the outcomes that come from it, but a lot of the time I wish it was not so tedious in the same vein. I don't know really -- there's a lot to it and that can be said for a lot of things that are worthwhile in life I feel, but without my work I would be going absolutely nuts a lot of the time, so I'm glad it is consistently there for me when I need a distraction at least.
And then there's Smogon, which is my true getaway from IRL's good and bad. Smogon has been my rock for years. I have loved it on here so much and I have made a ton of amazing friends that I want to keep for a long time, but it's also very true that Smogon has taken a major toll on me at times (mentally). I work my ass off regularly for virtually no physical benefit -- it has derailed countless weekends, important IRL experiences, and even made me lose focus during IRL work when pressing matters come up, but I know that I am contributing to something larger than myself, I know that I enjoy a lot (like seriously so much) of the work, and I know that I get satisfaction from making that difference. It's really tough because a lot of what I enjoy the most has been tethered to some of the more tedious, lose-lose aspects of things, too.
At the end of the day, my work on Smogon is truly one of the things I am most proud of because I can help better a large community with thousands of people from across the world that are brought together by one common characteristic -- being able to improve the experience of thousands of hobbyists is actually super rewarding when you get the job done. Being able to bring my contributions above-and-beyond with things like hosting the charity bowl, overseeing money tournaments, and so many other forms of community leadership I engage in will always be worthwhile to me. You can like me or not, but I have been and largely still am that guy around here in some spaces (obviously there's a whole network of amazing people that fit that description and this is not to take away from them, but I am not one to hide from the degree that I am involved) and that is not changing because I running OU so much and my recent involvements with tournaments have stirred up a ton of passion in me -- these are things I deem to be good investments of my time.
But all of this comes with far too much turmoil, borderline harassment, and negativity that has spiked recently and that is actually problematic for me (and many, many others in this community). It's been really upsetting seeing people seriously invested in the community (trolls will be trolls -- they're easy to spot and ignore) resort to blatant concern trolling that oftentimes fizzles into outright rudeness/insults, expecting top-notch professionalism from volunteers when there has never been professionalism in the arena previously, and just being outright negligent of dozens of hours worth of thankless contributions for the sake of making an offensive joke or driving home a largely uninformed narrative that (especially when the hivemind backs it without any deeper grasp on situations). Like not a single person who has been this way would ever dare act even close to this way IRL, but suddenly keyboard warriorship enables a secret extra gear of assholery that comes alongside no remorse? This concept alone bothers me, but it in practice has absolutely taken a toll on me both firsthand and secondhand.
This isn't just being said about/for me either as I have seen so many leaders, hosts, etc. be the subject of outright harassment in plain sight and so many people are just ok with this being the reality? Like holy shit this is disgusting and honestly I have been complacent to this myself for years until I realized the severity of the problem a while after I got OUTL -- the fact that it took me being in the driver's seat to realize this is actually something that bothers me about myself in all honesty, so I am sorry for that to my predecessors. And then there are the people who come at me to quit at every possible mention because I am enabling the current state of the community through this or not protesting for contributors to be compensated or not fighting for their specific reform in the community -- like why should I sacrifice what I enjoy for the sake of taking your stand? Some people just have things so backwards and their issues should not be what holds me back, but my state has absolutely made that the case and I am beyond sick of it. Overall, it's a shame that this place has had a negative impact on my own mental state at times (even though yes, it is without doubt still a net positive and I love what I do when it is not dealing with this nonsense) and I can only imagine the impact it has had on countless others, too.
Recently I have begun ignoring/not responding to a lot of things I previously did to cut out this nonsense and focus on what I really do enjoy -- it has been working absolute wonders. While I am still present, I view transparency from me as a privilege rather than a right and I view accessibility as something I can give out given my own feelings rather than supply on demand. Just basic stuff like going offline on discord and being a bit more distant/noncommittal in certain interactions has also gone a long way. Obviously I have a lot to offer and I want to offer it because I am having fun far more often than not, but when the "not" is happening and it is eroding away at my wellbeing, that's a problem and I need to remedy it, so this is my honest (and so far, successful) attempt at doing so.
At times I've definitely felt trapped between shortcomings in my experience with IRL work and on here while I was trying to escape from constant fear with other things in my IRL situation -- January was a really rough month for me in particular. But since then some of my family members have gotten better or situations have stabilized, even if they have not done so where I wanted them to. I am still not really at 100%, but I have a lot to look forward to IRL and even on here that's definitely helped.
I just worry about getting swept up in the same whirlwind of negativity again and struggling to find my way out -- shit always has potential to go bleak, but I am cautiously optimistic for the time, especially as the world opens up a bit and it approaches warmer season, which tends to lend me a bit more perspective. I am really going to try to hammer down some boundaries and focusing a lot more on myself/what brings me happiness rather overall, but this is a long process that I have been behind the curve on historically, so hopefully with more time/effort that can change. Moving forward I am positive and hopeful, but I still have tempered expectations -- we shall see.
this is not an AFD prank; i am actually stepping down from roa leader because simply put i am depressed as fuck. my mental health has been very volatile since the middle of february and it is now april. kept saying id wait to make a decision until i feel better but its been two weeks since i initially starting thinking about stepping down and i do not feel better in the slightest lol. my mental wellbeing is such a roller coaster - half the time i feel fine enough (usually while activity doing something like class or schoolwork (its depressing to say that doing not fun tasks and not having fun is when i feel the least bad lol)) and then the other half i am hardly a functional human being. i am trying to keep it together enough for school + other irl obligations which is already p hard and i absolutely not able to keep it together for anything smogon. when things go south for me smogon stuff is always the first to go and things have been south for a month and a half and i do not see it stopping soon lol. i rly cannot commit to anything on this website (leading, contributing, playing in tournaments) because one sec im fine and then the next i am sitting in my bed for two hours wishing i could be happy again.
this website has been p bad lately and honestly giving back to it is literally sabotaging myself lol. let alone i dont like playing pokemon anymore and now that this is actively making me upset continuing to put effort into contributing is like stabbing myself in the eyes lol. i am depressed, i dont like playing pokemon, and this website sucks -- being roa leader is simply not the move anymore lol. sorry i couldnt deliver when u entrusted me but i cant do it anymore :|
not sure what the plan is from here. i usually like talking to my friends but i only rly have like 3 close friends rn and all i do half the time is talk about how i am sad which nobody rly wants to hear constantly. im usually pretty busy and then when i have free time i have no idea what to do which just sucks so bad lol maybe i need some new hobbies.
just gonna try to log off for a bit -- hopefully i will be mentally stable enough to commit to playing in scl but who fucking knows lol. hopefully things lighten up in the summer without classes but knowing me im gonna waste all my free time being sad and then im going to hate myself even more. dont have any positivity to end on lol; ig it cant possibly be this bad forever and eventually i will feel like less garbage lol. cya around.
this website has been p bad lately and honestly giving back to it is literally sabotaging myself lol. let alone i dont like playing pokemon anymore and now that this is actively making me upset continuing to put effort into contributing is like stabbing myself in the eyes lol. i am depressed, i dont like playing pokemon, and this website sucks -- being roa leader is simply not the move anymore lol. sorry i couldnt deliver when u entrusted me but i cant do it anymore :|
not sure what the plan is from here. i usually like talking to my friends but i only rly have like 3 close friends rn and all i do half the time is talk about how i am sad which nobody rly wants to hear constantly. im usually pretty busy and then when i have free time i have no idea what to do which just sucks so bad lol maybe i need some new hobbies.
just gonna try to log off for a bit -- hopefully i will be mentally stable enough to commit to playing in scl but who fucking knows lol. hopefully things lighten up in the summer without classes but knowing me im gonna waste all my free time being sad and then im going to hate myself even more. dont have any positivity to end on lol; ig it cant possibly be this bad forever and eventually i will feel like less garbage lol. cya around.
