What should people judge whether or not to date someone else on if not merit? What else is there?
Edit: I’ll come back to this more when I’m not phone posting at work. (Heyo, Mr.E actually has a real smartphone now.)
So, first and foremost physical attraction is by and large not a meritocracy. Much of it is genetic. Luckily for some of us, attraction is very subjective and heavily up to one's personal tastes -- even the ugliest mug is attractive to someone out there (the difficulty is finding that someone) -- but there are widely agreed upon desirable traits and the further away you are from conventional beauty standards, the tougher you're going to have it. Studies on the subject have well established how much tougher Asian men and Black women have it online dating. Well, you don't get to choose your skin color or ethnicity! If you're an especially short man, good fucking luck. If you're balding, too bad. Etc. None of these things speak to a person's character and most of these things don't particularly speak to one's genetic fitness either, as far as the excuse of finding the most fit partner with which to mate. A chiseled jawline and full hairline don't make you immune to having a peanut allergy.
Obviously, physical attraction has to be there as much as any other component of a fulfilling relationship, but I think a lot of people (especially women) are overly picky and will pass over anyone that they aren't immediately smitten with. Well, if you'd take the time to get to know someone, a person you're only ambivalent about at first can become attractive as their personality grows on you. You stop seeing them in a neutral light and start associating their appearance with the positive feelings they give you when they're around; you stop seeing their slightly crooked nose or buck teeth as an objective flaw and start thinking of them as cute little quirks that make your friend unique.
Online, these issues are exacerbated. A woman might give a shorter guy a chance in person because she's not busting out the fucking ruler and measuring him to exact specifications, she's just eyeballing it. Is he taller or shorter than me, and by how much? And ultimately, she'll either feel attraction toward this guy or not, irrespective of the exact value of his height and perhaps influenced by the guy's personality at this point. But online she's nitpicking to the extreme, perhaps in part out of entitlement (puke) and in part just to curate her otherwise overflowing inbox of messages (understandable, though misguided). Tone down the hard filters, take time to get to know people a little. Preferably in person. Lots of people look better in person than their mediocre portfolio might let off -- the camera adds ten pounds, after all -- and not everyone is good at communicating through text either. Online dating is not a fucking catalog for you to window shop for the perfect partner, it's just another means through which to meet someone.
At any rate, lots of people get into bad relationships, then stay there well past the point they should have left. They may have low self-esteem and think they don't deserve better for themselves. They're more afraid of being alone than being abused. They might be toxic jerks and the only person willing to put up with them is another toxic jerk. They might simply have major life incompatibilities but struggle to end the relationship with someone they otherwise still deeply love and respect. Who knows. But it happens a lot! Suffice to say that being a quality human is not a prerequisite to entering not maintaining a relationship.
even if you get into a super healthy one (which might not end up being the case) it won't fix any of your problems. itll just be a quick slap of duct tape. i often even used these relationships as excuses to let my mental health deteriorate. ive dealt w depression and anxiety for seemingly forever (also recently diagnosed w aspergers, for what its worth) and having had way too much time to reflect on this over quarantine ive recognized the impact (positive and negative) all of these have had on my relationships, both romantic and platonic, and in my life in general. ultimately, whatever progress i have made towards functioning like a healthy individual has come from myself and not others. im sure youre tired of hearing this but if you wanna be happy you gotta figure out how to generate that for yourself.
Yeah, I am tired of hearing it because it's kinda bullshit. Like, I ain't gonna discuss this stuff too deeply because it's kinda getting away from the topic but if a lack of relationships is the problem, finding a good relationship is literally the solution. We're a social species and connecting with one another is essential to our mental health, even if a lack of relationships doesn't physically kill us in the same way that lack of food would.
There are many things you can't go out and do alone. The things you can do alone are still more fun in good company, right? To be able to share an experience with someone, to be able to have a discussion, to have a captive audience is so much more fulfilling than just doing stuff in isolation. You sure as hell can't start a family by yourself, if that's your MO. I'm happy with who I am, I think I'm a pretty stand-up guy, but what's the point if I am so incapable of finding a single person willing to take time to notice the good in me that I know exists? Going through life alone and isolated from others feels so empty.
These are exceptionally low standards for effort. This isn't meant to be a dig at you, it's just that being an "acceptable" match takes a lot of work in many areas. Cutting out soda and getting exercise are good things, but there may be more corrections needed that you haven't identified yet.
To the men struggling with online dating - I can only offer my own experiences from like 8 years ago. The biggest things I did to increase people messaging me (back before tinder was a thing) was to style my hair properly and have someone else choose my photos. You have massive blindspots to yourself, and will usually choose photos that present yourself in a way that you are used to seeing, which may not actually be how others perceive you. Also, try to look genuinely happy - not just smiling, but beaming.
If you're following the standards of being a reasonably attractive person (clean, proper dental hygiene, clothes look good and fit, hair is styled), those little tips might help you. If you aren't doing those things... Start doing those things.
The average online profile is half a dozen near-identical selfies and no bio. The average person, at least in the U.S. where I live, is borderline obese. Etc. Whether or not the standards are low by some objective measure, so many people fail to meet them nonetheless. And you know what? A majority of those people are still in relationships! Why is it if someone isn't having success in dating, the answer is necessarily to become fucking Super(wo)man? What makes the unlucky folks like me unworthy of love without fucking trasncending our mortality when the average person falls ass backwards into relationships left and right? Oh, but "just be yourself." Right.
Personally, I've also ran dozens if not hundreds of photos through Photofeeler not to mention posted multiple online profile critiques elsewhere before. I'm not tooting my own horn extolling my virtues, I'm being as absolutely objective as one can possibly be with regard to this stuff: My photos rate well according to others, I depict myself in a wide variety of situations, my waistline and weight are better than average, and so on. There is just no logic to my sheer unsuccess. The only point to which it makes any sense is, of course, feelings don't actually operate on any sort of logic. You can't make people like you even if you look okay and do all the right things on paper.