Mock Smog Awards

By Eo Ut Mortus and Iconic. Art by Fatecrashers.

A lot of us are aware that there are many problems with the Smog Awards. Look at last year's, for example. For one, it's a glorified popularity contest. The only reason why nice users like jumpluff win the "nice user" award is because people like them. Another issue is minority votes. If you look at last year's results, you'll see that Earthworm, panamaxis, and Hipmonlee have won categories only thanks to the well-oiled Oceanian machine. It's really not right. Finally, there are the troll votes. Bloo as the most overlooked user? What a joke. It's fairly clear that the only legitimate award there is Eo as best UU player (cry your heart out, Bluewind).

Due to these inherent flaws in the system, we have decided to put together a collection of completely accurate awards to shine some light on users who otherwise would have been ignored entirely, despite their massive contributions to the forums. Although this may be entitled "Mock Smog Awards," don't discredit its legitimacy—each award is highly prestigious and winners are determined very objectively by the two of us. Without further ado, we are proud to unveil your 2011 (and partial 2012) Mock Smog Award winners!

Mock Smog Awards

Most Innovative Teambuilder: Winner: Princess Bri; Runners-up: ShakeItUp, Delko

With four RMTs posted in the span of about three months, you can tell this boss means business. Following in the footsteps of idol Kevin Garrett, Princess Bri passes on his extensive metagame knowledge to poor helpless souls through the Rate My Team forum, illustrating what it truly means to be a world-class teambuilder and philanthropic gentleman.

Most Expected Event: Winner: Kevin Garrett Winning ST12; Runner-up: Snunch Winning ST8

Let's be honest: even the feeble-minded could have foreseen this award's winner. He was paired against the human embodiment of finals-choking (to clarify, not Bloo, but Bluewind), and after half a dozen finals bids, as can be seen here, it was only a matter of time before Kevin G. took home the trophy. We also wish to applaud Snunch for confirming the masses' expectations of a bad player winning the first BW Official Smogon Tournament.

Best a forum Poster: Winner: Darkaxis; Runner-up: Jolteon Bandit

He may be new and he may be young, but Darkaxis is a straight up a forum baller. We were unable to reach him for a victory speech, as we speculate he was preoccupied commenting on pictures of kittenmay and Fishy in the photo album. You know what they say though, the awesomer, the hotter.

Best Admin: Winner: chaos; Runner-up: Blue Kirby

It's only fitting that Smogon's founder is the recipient of this award. We e-mailed the man/bear himself for remarks on his victory; expect a response by the time Competitor is released. Blue Kirby declined to comment on his second place finish, muttering something about a "tournament engine."

Studliest Womanizer: Winner: Scofield; Runners-up: Kevin Garrett, Stone_Cold

This one is a no-brainer, really; there isn't a man on this website with a way with the ladies quite like Scofield. When he's not wooing Kate Beckinsale or seducing Olivia Wilde, Scofield is spending his time online discovering new females to turn his attentions to. We were hoping Scofield would give us a few pointers on how to pick up girls, but he refused to provide us with a means to contact him, to which runner-up Kevin Garrett quickly replied, "You need a phone number? I'm on it."

Biggest Dreamer: Winner: Theorymon; Runner-up: Martin Luther King, Jr.

When he's not tearing up the Streetmons ladder or in his fun cave with Jibaku—well, sometimes even in the fun cave—Theorymon is dreaming. Dream World is actually a physical manifestation of his dreams, so the next time you get swept by Multiscale Dragonite, you know who to complain to. Theorymon's notoriety extends even beyond Smogon: recently, a movie based on his life story was released, which you can read more about here. As for our runner-up, Martin Luther King, Jr. was a great guy with a cool story about about civil rights or something, but we ultimately decided that his dream didn't have enough Groudon in it.

Most Fun Imaginary Tier: Winner: CAP; Runners-up: Dreamworld, NU, RU, LC

Congratulations to the CAP metagame for receiving this well-deserved title! Everyone who voted for it has been added to the CAP council and will be awarded the Tiering Contributor badge. Kudos as well to this award's runner-up, tennisace.

Best LC Council Member: Winner: Chomper the Sharptooth; Runner-up: whistle

The legendary Chomper the Sharptooth puts the "fucking hard as shit" in "Little Cup." As the only member of the Little Cup council with more than two balls, Chomper single-handedly banned Gligar from Little Cup with his face. We unfortunately have not seen any more from this man+ ever since blarajan and prem were added to the council.

Best Ladderer: Winner: BKC; Runner-up: Taylor

His unorthodox tactics are sure to shock and astound you! With his fiery hot ladder streaks, BKC sure puts the Blazin in Blazin Kickin Chicken. He doesn't do much Kickin, though; that part's done by ShinyAzelf, and Taylor is the real Chicken for fleeing ladder matches against him. Hide your kids, hide your wife, and register your alt accounts cause he's rapin' everybody out here.

Best Sport: Winner: reyscarface; Runner-up: ToF

It's a wonder that reyscarface only whines as little as he does, considering he has to deal with a constant stream of hax, bad team match-ups, and One Direction prejudice. Recently, he was disconnected in a Tour battle with mien; instead of reporting the obvious DDoS attack to the police, rey followed mien into his subsequent battles, warning opponents against his evil, disconnecting ways—what a guy! Honorable mention ToF is also a great example of sportsmanship. He's not only a man of class, but also a master of controlling his temper. Just shut the fuck up and let him vent. Simple.

Worst Sport: Winner: Earthworm; Runner-up: hanke

Despite his evident battling prowess, Tournament Director "Werps" Earthworm is most well-known for his fiery attitude, disrespectful antics, and demeaning posts. Rumor has it Earthworm sought the help of fellow Oceanian Golden Sun to help him become a more respected tournament presence. Unfortunately, this burden so great and the cause was so lost that Golden Sun fell off the deep end, ultimately leading to his one year ban from the Smogon forums.

Best Forum Alt Name: Winner: tree man 67 - Golden Sun; Runners-up: Darmanitan Stan - locopoke, Faint. - locopoke, .Faint - locopoke, Faintt - locopoke, Alluria - locopoke, yebzioo7 - locopoke, Pharaoh Atem - locopoke, DeadRabbit - locopoke, Xx-Sandstreamer-xX - locopoke, Rudy - locopoke, Dotteh - locopoke, camelman00 - locopoke, Orichalcos Owl - locopoke, sludge bomb in the sun - locopoke, Crafty Scrafty - locopoke, kd24 - locopoke, JabbaTheGriffin - locopoke

Golden Sun earns the prestigious title of Best Forum Alt Name with his inconspicuous alias, tree man 67, a wonderful combination of humor, sass, and intellect. Coming in a close second is locopoke, whose multitude of alt accounts bring a smile to all our faces and exemplify what it means to be a positive forum presence.

Best Gender Faker: Winner: Tiffanyyxoxo; Runner-up: Thatsjustpeachy

Tiffanyyxoxo, or Tanner as he now goes by, passed the most crucial test that a gender faker must endure on Smogon—he fooled lady killer LizardMan into hitting on him. Unconfirmed reports have suggested user Thatsjustpeachy used similar tactics to advance himself / herself in Smogon Tournament 8, as opponents found themselves flustered at the prospect of facing a girl. Unfortunately this tactic fell short in the finals where Peachy was forced to duke it out against fellow female, Snunch.

Greatest User: Winner: Krack; Runner-up: Zak91

It is with the utmost pleasure and humility that we award our most prestigious award, Greatest User, to the legendary Krack. This guy pretty much epitomizes what it means to be a thug: his posts are usually three words long, he is idolized by all who know of him, and he isn't afraid to get his hands a little dirty. As the great franky once said, "Krack now, Krack in the past, Krack in the future. Krack."

Saltiest User(s): Winners: Iconic and Eo Ut Mortus; Runner-up: N/A

It really shouldn't be a surprise that these two snippy little shits took this award. When asked to comment on being appointed saltiest users, Iconic and Eo Ut Mortus refused to speak and instead replied by submitting a snarky Smog article sarcastically ridiculing their fellow Smogonites. Typical.

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