How (not) to Appeal Punishment

Oh boy. You've done it again. You've somehow managed to get that pesky ‽ in front of your username again, and you can't seem to talk. However in the world did that happen? Was it because you dropped a bag of Doritos in the lobby? No, that was last Monday. Did you perhaps harass your opponent after they made a particularly skilled play in which Ice Beam froze half of your team? No, the only hax that last battle was your opponent hitting Focus Blast three times in a row, and you only called himm a "hacking idiot who has no skill." As you muse over your unjust bondage and punishment, you suddenly remember! Aha! Just yesterday, your roommate's friend's cat's elbow somehow got onto your keyboard while you were away, sending a long stream of "wjefoiwenbrvbvowebvwnvwpvrwhgpweihqepjfwepfjv" into the Lobby chat, in addition to insulting multiple users and also mentioning the rear ends of a little more than a third of the staff in the Lobby. What a simple and honest mistake!

Okay, well, now that you know you've been falsely imprisoned and framed by your classmate's nephew's dog jumping on your keyboard, you need to find some way to let the world know about this injustice. Of course, being locked, you can't exactly broadcast your scenario to the chat, so you need to find one of those brutal slave-drivers of this website known as the global staff. As we all know, your punishment is of the utmost importance, so the best course of action you should take is to try and find an Admin or a Leader, especially when they're in the middle of some insignificant event such as fixing the server or managing policy and maintaining order. No? You couldn't find any? Alas, what a shame; it seems that you'll have to just turn to a lowly Mod or Driver now.

Here's a tip: Mods and Drivers have very short attention spans, a bit like goldfish, so it's extremely helpful to send them messages. A lot of messages. If you're not sending at least four lines of "help" per second, you're doing something wrong. This helpful tip will be sure to grab the staff member's attention, and they'll be extra sympathetic to your cause. Once you've got their interest and empathy, don't bother with telling them your conditions! Your username that you used while locked, the staff member that locked you, and your activities don't matter! As we all know, staff members have some kind of special Jedi Force magic that enables them to instantly know these things at a glance! And surely, they'll see that you've been wronged! Wait… what's this? Why can't you talk yet? You're STILL locked? What gives?

Okay, so if one staff member denies your appeal, or maybe says some Showdown! legal mumbo-jumbo like "please stop spamming me" or "I'm trying to find out why you're locked" or "I am going to file a restraining order; this is the fortieth time you've done this in a month," it seems that your only salvation may lie in the hands of another staff member. Or perhaps, every other staff member. A wise man once said not to put all of your lucky eggs in one basket, so you can improve your chances of being unlocked by sending messages to every staff member you see. Remember the tips outlined above in order to ensure that your pleas are informative and succinct: "help," "hey," "I need help," and "Unlock me plzzzzzzzzzzz."

With this strategy, you'll have their attention in no time, so just get ready to get unlocked! If you're still not unlocked, here is the point where you are justified in calling the Mods racial epithets and other insults. I mean, you've waited a good, what, five minutes, and your problem still isn't fixed! This is the worst customer service ever! Be sure to also threaten the Mods in addition to begging. Passive-aggressive threats work best. Just subtly drop the fact that you personally know the Admin of Smogon. After all, your friend did say on the playground that his uncle is the famous John Smogon, and he'll surely demote this insolent mod if you're not unlocked. If, for some reason, your logical and impassioned plea for help still isn't answered, or the Mods are just stubborn by saying "I'm not unlocking you for something you did on purpose that you clearly knew was wrong," just resort to threats against the server. Mods do their jobs for free, and so they tremble at the thought of overtime. Threaten to spam the server, dodge the punishment, and also to also tell your friend's uncle John Smogon to demote them all while calling them names. Ah! You see it now! The Mod, trembling, types something on the keyboard. You're about to be free!

(User was banned.)

That was rude! Make a Discipline Appeal, they say? As you head over to the forums, you notice that they have a guide to making appeals. There's obviously no need to read that; your problems are unique enough that nobody has ever had the same issue before! The first thing you need to do when making an appeal is to post a title. The title should be extremely topical, so keep it simple with something like "banned," or "I am locked," or "appealing my ban," or "why am I being punished?" These help catch the staff's eye among hundreds and hundreds of other appeals. Yours will stand out with such an informative and interesting title. If you feel like thinking outside the box a bit, try something more creative. Try a title like "[Mod who banned me] is a [creative insult]" Really get those brain juices flowing! The title can really make or break a Discipline Appeal!

After you have a title, it's important to decide whether or not you should tag any Mods. Either tag nobody and let your glorious title draw the eyes of staff to your appeal, or be sure to tag everyone, be it the Admins, Leaders, Mods, Drivers, or random room staff and your friends. After all, having more eyes means more chances your appeal will be seen and approved! It's not important whether or not you say why, how, or when you were banned. Again, Mods and Drivers have magic mystical powers that make them omniscient and able to see all these sorts of things!

After this, be sure to write something about how you once knew a guy who knew another guy who knew a guy who only got hour-muted for dropping TWO bags of Doritos in the Lobby, or about how the guy who knew a guy who only got a 7-minute mute for comparing the actions of Mods in lobby to those of genocidal dictators. Be sure to adopt an aggressive and entitled attitude, and be sure to belittle the staff. Staff members love attitudes like this, as it shows them that you are a confident and intelligent individual. Being argumentative in appeals also helps, as it shows that you're passionate in being part of the site at any cost. After all, those mods and drivers would surely see your dedication and unban you straight away!

If at last, you're still not freed, try this last ditch effort: admit that what you did was wrong… but they should still unban you just because. Yes, harassing and insulting and being obnoxious and annoying was bad, but hey, you acknowledged your mistake! Who knows, maybe you'll even get a custom title after this!

(User is now a banned deucer.)

« Previous Article

Home