Posting for a friend.
Thanks to the person posting this anonymously. I don't really want my name attached. Honestly, I'd prefer it if nobody read this but I did want it out in the public sphere.
It's no secret that the pandemic has affected a lot of us negatively, and for me it's definitely been a wild ride. A lot of feelings and things have come up that I thought I dealt with. I don't really feel comfortable going to my friends, either, not because they're bad but because they're too nice and they'll care too much and they'll worry and I don't wanna put that on them. I don't really know where to start. The flow will be off, so bear with me.
Growing up was rough. We had enough money to be comfortable, that wasn't the issue. It's just that my childhood was so... Strange? There was the normal slaps and stuff, but they'd also like, kick me and other uncommon stuff. I'm still trying to get over the psychological trauma. It's gotten to the point where I'm scared to do things for them, because I'm worried they won't be the correct things to do. They always tell me that I need to understand them well so that they don't have to ask for things to be done, but it feels like whenever I do something, it's wrong. And when they ask me to do something, they get pissed whenever I ask them stuff that'd help me do the task better. Whenever I don't do the right thing the exact way they want it, it's always my fault. My sibling lives a way better life, too, but my parents don't even try to hide the fact that they're the favorite child.
Even now, the difference between how I'm treated and how they're treated is stark, to say the least. My sibling gets so much love - and I'm happy for them - and then when my parents interact with me it's silence and veiled insults and passive aggressive comments about how I never eat enough but then making me feel guilty for eating food and for why? I guess it just really sucks being stuck with people who don't like you at all. They keep me around because their image would suffer if I wasn't around, but really, I don't matter to them. I'm also the one who keeps this family together because somehow, even after all this abuse and trauma and stuff I'm still the one who has to support everyone because I'm the oldest child at 21 and so I should have a 6 figure job now and a S/O and it's just so fucking funny to me that I have to keep everything together and hold my family together while they're kicking and screaming and shouting and throwing a temper tantrum where it just piles up to the point where it'd be easier to just run off into the unknown and Hell following me would be better than my parents following me.
That's not to say this pandemic has been all bad. I've done a lot of reflecting and figured out what I want to do with my life, and I feel like I've strengthened my relationships and stuff. The issue is that there's just so much from my past that keeps hurting me and I can tell it's affecting my behavior. Typically when I can tell this is happening, I retreat to avoid hurting my friends while I work through my own baggage. The issue is that this time, I'm stuck in a prison and I'm worried I may be giving myself a lifetime sentence if I withdraw. It's selfish, I know. It's selfish to put others in a position where they'd risk getting hurt because I couldn't keep up my mask. But it's hard, and I just want my friends to be happy, and typically they're happy so I don't even want to go to them because who am I to ruin their emotional state? And then they're there for me anyway but I don't actually want them to be there but they're still there and it's such a mess and so confusing. I don't understand people. I also can't like, tell whether some of them like me or not, because sometimes they'll just ignore me and I get they owe me nothing but it also just confuses me a ton. Maybe they're not in the headspace to deal with it, which is fine? Or maybe they just don't see it. I have a tendency to overcomplicate things, so I try not to make the worst of everything but it's still a possibility.
There's just so much trauma and this post doesn't even cover a majority of it. So much had happened in my life and I genuinely believe I was dealt such a horrible hand, and I've been trying to make the best of it for years but it's so incredibly difficult to stay positive and optimistic in this setting.
This has been an incredibly disorganized and incoherent mess and I'm sorry. This post honestly doesn't cover everything, but I wanted to put something out into the public sphere because... I'm not sure why. I don't want anyone to try and help me, because I know they can't and I know that if anyone is gonna help me, it's myself. The first thing that came to my mind when I thought of this wasn't really letting people know they aren't alone either, although that is something that kept me going. I guess the point of this post is to say that I'm a selfish prick who's jealous of the love their sibling gets, among many other things? God knows. I'm a horrible person deep down, but I guess I'm still sad so I'm releasing some of the baggage into the forums anyway even though I know so many of the things I feel are wrong.
It feels wrong to end this post on a bitter note, even though all the stuff I've said has been bitter, so I guess I'll conclude by saying that I've beaten this once before and I'll beat it again, no matter how tough it is. And after I do, I'm going to take this life and make it mine. Until then.
Thanks to the person posting this anonymously. I don't really want my name attached. Honestly, I'd prefer it if nobody read this but I did want it out in the public sphere.
It's no secret that the pandemic has affected a lot of us negatively, and for me it's definitely been a wild ride. A lot of feelings and things have come up that I thought I dealt with. I don't really feel comfortable going to my friends, either, not because they're bad but because they're too nice and they'll care too much and they'll worry and I don't wanna put that on them. I don't really know where to start. The flow will be off, so bear with me.
Growing up was rough. We had enough money to be comfortable, that wasn't the issue. It's just that my childhood was so... Strange? There was the normal slaps and stuff, but they'd also like, kick me and other uncommon stuff. I'm still trying to get over the psychological trauma. It's gotten to the point where I'm scared to do things for them, because I'm worried they won't be the correct things to do. They always tell me that I need to understand them well so that they don't have to ask for things to be done, but it feels like whenever I do something, it's wrong. And when they ask me to do something, they get pissed whenever I ask them stuff that'd help me do the task better. Whenever I don't do the right thing the exact way they want it, it's always my fault. My sibling lives a way better life, too, but my parents don't even try to hide the fact that they're the favorite child.
Even now, the difference between how I'm treated and how they're treated is stark, to say the least. My sibling gets so much love - and I'm happy for them - and then when my parents interact with me it's silence and veiled insults and passive aggressive comments about how I never eat enough but then making me feel guilty for eating food and for why? I guess it just really sucks being stuck with people who don't like you at all. They keep me around because their image would suffer if I wasn't around, but really, I don't matter to them. I'm also the one who keeps this family together because somehow, even after all this abuse and trauma and stuff I'm still the one who has to support everyone because I'm the oldest child at 21 and so I should have a 6 figure job now and a S/O and it's just so fucking funny to me that I have to keep everything together and hold my family together while they're kicking and screaming and shouting and throwing a temper tantrum where it just piles up to the point where it'd be easier to just run off into the unknown and Hell following me would be better than my parents following me.
That's not to say this pandemic has been all bad. I've done a lot of reflecting and figured out what I want to do with my life, and I feel like I've strengthened my relationships and stuff. The issue is that there's just so much from my past that keeps hurting me and I can tell it's affecting my behavior. Typically when I can tell this is happening, I retreat to avoid hurting my friends while I work through my own baggage. The issue is that this time, I'm stuck in a prison and I'm worried I may be giving myself a lifetime sentence if I withdraw. It's selfish, I know. It's selfish to put others in a position where they'd risk getting hurt because I couldn't keep up my mask. But it's hard, and I just want my friends to be happy, and typically they're happy so I don't even want to go to them because who am I to ruin their emotional state? And then they're there for me anyway but I don't actually want them to be there but they're still there and it's such a mess and so confusing. I don't understand people. I also can't like, tell whether some of them like me or not, because sometimes they'll just ignore me and I get they owe me nothing but it also just confuses me a ton. Maybe they're not in the headspace to deal with it, which is fine? Or maybe they just don't see it. I have a tendency to overcomplicate things, so I try not to make the worst of everything but it's still a possibility.
There's just so much trauma and this post doesn't even cover a majority of it. So much had happened in my life and I genuinely believe I was dealt such a horrible hand, and I've been trying to make the best of it for years but it's so incredibly difficult to stay positive and optimistic in this setting.
This has been an incredibly disorganized and incoherent mess and I'm sorry. This post honestly doesn't cover everything, but I wanted to put something out into the public sphere because... I'm not sure why. I don't want anyone to try and help me, because I know they can't and I know that if anyone is gonna help me, it's myself. The first thing that came to my mind when I thought of this wasn't really letting people know they aren't alone either, although that is something that kept me going. I guess the point of this post is to say that I'm a selfish prick who's jealous of the love their sibling gets, among many other things? God knows. I'm a horrible person deep down, but I guess I'm still sad so I'm releasing some of the baggage into the forums anyway even though I know so many of the things I feel are wrong.
It feels wrong to end this post on a bitter note, even though all the stuff I've said has been bitter, so I guess I'll conclude by saying that I've beaten this once before and I'll beat it again, no matter how tough it is. And after I do, I'm going to take this life and make it mine. Until then.